World's Worst Mix Tape

This is a facebook thread that i'm moving to here...

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While the winner of this contest did an excellent job picking horrible songs, I really think I could beat the shittiness of that mix tape.

A written list isn't as fun as watching your friend drag his ass through the streets of New York blasting 'Butterfly' by Crazytown, but it'll have to do.

I tried to avoid novelty songs like "I'm Too Sexy" or "Barbie Girl" because, although they were awful, I don't think they were ever intended to be legitimate music. I also tried to avoid bands that I have a personal beef with (although Creed made the cut, proving that you can be a super-annoying douchebag AND make horrible music).

For Your Consideration:

NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK
“Hangin’ Tough”
May seem like a lay-up, but come on, this song was #1 and should be punished.

GERARDO
“Rico Suave”
As close to novelty as I wanted to get, but the memory of the shirtless video was probably my first example of world-class douchyness.

DEEP BLUE SOMETHING
“Breakfast At Tiffany’s”
Dumb. Really dumb. The one thing you got was a movie that 4% of the people that are listening to your song ever saw.

CREED
“Arms Wide Open”
Guh. Let's move on.

RUPERT HOLMES
“Escape (The Pina Colada Song)”
I didn't refine my dislike for this song until I realized it had a moral to the story. I just thought it was a crappy song. I don't need a message written in dookie.

COLOR ME BADD
“I Wanna Sex You Up”
First exposure to a man with waxed eyebrows. It was confusing on top of being badd.

BILLY OCEAN
"Caribbean Queen"
*or "Get Out of my Dreams"
Both blow donkey balls. Although it could be argued that Billy was singing about hooking up with hot chicks and I was battling puberty and a crippling inability to talk to girls while these songs were popular. They smell like Clearasil and insecurity.

BILLY RAY CYRUS
“Achy Breaky Heart”
Mullet.

ACE OF BASE
"All That She Wants"
I'm sure this song is a message about teen pregnancy or something- i never bothered to listen. Dookie message policy applies.

CRASH TEST DUMMIES
“Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm”
Stupid song, stupid croaky voice, stupid stories, but mainly for making everyone say "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" the entire time it was on the radio. Name it something you asshats.

The Taco Bell Conversion Project

Drive Through Guy: Did you want any hot or mild sauce with that?
Me: Yes, a shitload of fire sauce please.

Contents of bag expected:
3 Tacos
1 Bean Burrito
58 Fire Sauce Packets

Contents of bag received:
3 Tacos
1 Bean Burrito
3 Fire Sauce Packets

Conclusion:
"Shitload" means "3" in Spanish. Uno, Dos, Shitload, Cuatro...

Jagoff Customer Comment of the Day

"Hey, if you do a good job on the logo and when i'm famous, YOUR logo will be all over the internet!"

Hope I don't sprain my ankle jumping for joy!! I'm a professional web designer that specializes in webstore logos, do you really think I don't have any on the fucking internet? That's like telling Converse, "Hey if you do a good job on those Chucks, people will see YOUR shoes when i walk around the flea market!" Not to mention this guy sells the same worthless crap you find at the dollar store. Really? When you're famous? You found a way to get famous selling random junk out of your garage on the internet? Look out Craigslist! Gus from Topeka is going to make you his bitch. And check out that logo!

Or maybe i'm just being pretentious. Nah, jagoff.

Cha Cha Cranking

2 blogs in one day?? I figured since the last one was so angry i'd post a comedy chaser. For those unfamiliar with Cha Cha, it's a livehelp search engine. Basically a chat window with a person on the other end to help people who are too stupid to use google search for things on the interwebs. Of course, those very same interwebs found a way to exploit this service for amusement. Apparently, a forum was started and the members took turns trying to keep the agents in chat the longest while asking for ridiculous or non-existent things. The chat equivalent of a prank call. I posted one below, but more are here.

Status: Connected to guide: JustinS

JustinS: Hi there. I will be helping with your search.

You: WELP

JustinS: How can i help you

You: i'd like to know about some of the actors from friends before they got on the show

JustinS: sure, you want bio's?

You: um yeah or what shows they were on before

You: cuz inever heard of any of them before the show starte

JustinS: Ok sure just a sec

You: specifically iwant to know about the funny one and the pretty one (not the hot one)

JustinS: Heres a site that has all the actors

You: oh aand if i could find out wHAT THE UGLY LOOKING GUY WAS IN BEFORE THATD BE GREAT

JustinS: Just scroll down to find who your looking for

You: OK

You: WAIT

You: JUSTIN I NEED A NEW SEARCH

JustinS: Which is the ugly guy?

You: I FORGET HIS NAME IM BAD WITH NAMES

You: JUSTIN MY KEYBOAD JUST BROKE

You: THE CAPS LOCK WONT TURN OFF AND I CANT TYPE THE LETTER

JustinS: Thats ok lol. This site is great

JustinS: scroll down to see photos and bios

JustinS: of all the actors and actresses

You: JUSTIN FOCUS ON KEYBOARD PLEASE I CANT STAND IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS

You: NEW SEARC

You: I ATE IT WEN TIS APPENS

JustinS: Ok what do you want info on, the keyboard or Friends?

You: ARG STUPID KEY

You: KEYBOARD JUSTIN

You: HELP PLEASE

JustinS: Just a moment

You: O GOOD AT LEAST THE H KEY WORKS AGAIN

You: IF YOU CAN FIND SOMETHING THAT TELLS ME WHY THE H KEy randomly stops working thatd be great too

You: oh hey it turned of

Transfer: You are being transfered to another guide who can help you search even better!

Looking for guide ...

When in Doubt, Choke Em Out!

Often times, when I rail on something, I pause before I post and wonder- hmm, hope none of my friends read this and get offended. In this case- if you're my friend and you have a sticker that reads "When in Doubt, Choke Em Out" on the bumper of your car / truck / shitkicker bucket, I hereby terminate our friendship.

Lets stop and think about this for a moment. "When in Doubt", implies the subject is confused and without direction. "Choke Em Out" is a reference to a sleeper hold or the act of cutting off the blood to the brain via the carotid or jugular artery (not sure which, i'm not a doctor... obviously because i would be saving someone's life right now instead of bitching about a bumper sticker). So by that rational, this person's intent is to alert the people driving behind them that when they find themselves in a quandary and require advice, they grasp the nearest person and attempt to nearly kill them.

This seems counter productive unless you are in a fight to the death. And even if you were in a death fight, at what point would you find yourself wondering what to do? It's a death fight. Kill or at least disable the other person. I highly doubt I would ever be locked into a mortal brawl and think to myself, "Wait a minute! What did the sticker on that Mitsubishi Montero say to do when i'm in doubt? Google the problem?? Ask the advice of a trusted friend?? I know it was a rhyme! ...CHOKE EM OUT!!"

That sticker pissed me off so much that if I were being assaulted and the Choke Em Out guy pulled up, jumped in and began doing his thing, I would take my assailant's side and kick him in the onions. They would probably team up and beat me without mercy, but it would be worth it.

Rubber Soul- i beg to differ.

Nothing like sitting in at your desk, hearing the 5 o'clock horn, dragging your ass out to the parking lot knowing that you get to sit in 45min+ of mind-numbing traffic, only to find you have a flat tire. I hate you punctured rubber wheel. I really hate you. Aren't we supposed to have flying cars by now?

Responsible Adult or Broken Spirit?

July 4th, 1999

Cop: So I guess you're going to want to pour that out?

Me: Pour what out, man? I'm not doing anything wrong. It's not like i'm driving, i'm just standing here watching fireworks. Why don't you find someone committing an actual crime instead of harassing taxpaying citizens. I'm sure whoever's getting robbed right now really appreciates you out here bothering me instead of doing your fucking job. I bet you got your ass kicked in high school and that's why you got a gig where you can carry a gun and bully unarmed civilians who are scared of you and your little blue costume. I pay your salary, dick. Give me your badge number, Officer [squint to read name tag], I'm going to see to it that you spend the rest of the year in a meter maid go-cart where you belong.

July 4th, 2009

Cop: So I guess you're going to want to pour that out?

Me: Indeed I do sir, and thank you for the opportunity to help the community become a safer place. *splash*