Round Mound of Bag Boy

"Do you need help out with these?"

I know they have to ask everyone so I let it slide when the 84lbs acne-covered kid with the leg brace implies I need his help carrying a box of pasta and a light bulb, but what really pisses me off is after I tell them "No thanks", they suddenly turn into Charles Barkley and box me out against the change dispenser, effectively sealing me off from reaching my bags without climbing over their back like some weird attempt at a cheerleader pyramid. It's like "Do you want help with these" is grocery store slang for "You want to look like a pussy letting a high school kid carry your groceries or do you want to look like a pedophile monkey backpack swiping at your bags in front of everyone in line?".

If you want to "help me out with these", how bout getting the F@#K out of my way so I can get to them and the movie kiosk before all the copies of New Moon are gone. I mean Gamer.

Back to School Ad

Opened my hotmail this morning and this was an ad in the sidebar of my inbox. As you may know, I am cursed with uncontrollable over-analyzation of advertising. Why did they choose this picture for a student loan ad?? What is the message supposed to be?? A few possibilities:

1. This crazy-ass old man will whip you with a hickory switch until you agree to go back to school
2. Behold the grim face of under-education.
3. Enroll in The Bridge Troll Academy today!
4. This is Grant. He will loan you college tuition in exchange for "foot rubs" and discretion.
   
5. You want to end up looking like a deranged vampire owl??? Go back to school!!

I'm the Map!

I was thinking about maps today. Remember maps? See kids, back in the day if you were given a driving destination in an unfamiliar city, you had to find a gas station, get out of your car and buy a map. Then you had to unfold this massive and needlessly complicated bastard (never to get it folded right again) and trace the path with your finger. This was often done while screaming down an unfamiliar highway and trying to find the local FM rock station. If you were lucky enough to find the street you needed, the chances that you would also locate the address was slim to none. At this point, you had to (are you sitting down?) find some change, get out of the car, find a payphone and call for directions. It was the Wild West, man.

Now-a-days if i'm forced to locate a pen because the computer i'm on doesn't have a printer to print out the mapquest directions and I have to physically write them down, I throw my hands up in outrage, fall to my knees and scream for my civil liberties.