Tourons

Touron: A hybrid of tourist and moron. By nature, the tourist is mildly annoying but ultimately has the right to be left alone to enjoy their vacation. A moron is nearly intolerable, but a local moron knows what side of the goddamned path to rollerblade down. When mixed equal part tourist and equal part moron, you have a subspecies that really deserves to get hit by a bus. Or my beach cruiser, in most cases.

The Touron is a bit of a phenomenon due to their exquisite lack of personal space and self awareness. They have almost no sense of what is going on around them. You might be thinking, “Hey man, they aren't from here, they don't know any better...jerkface!”. No. If i'm in some foreign country and I see a steady stream of bikes, cars or people moving in one direction, I don't wander into their path and stand there in my black socks and tevas taking pictures of a seagull. I'd note the screeching brakes and native swearing and probably realize i'm in the f@#king way.

I happened to get the opportunity to capture a pair of Tourons in their natural habitat. Notice the matching outfits and ultra-fast racing skates. You'd think a get-up like that would be worn by professionals, (or at least only a pro would have the balls to wear it). Nope. Flailing tangle of elbow pads and lycra wobbling down the wrong side of the path. Good times.

Hey bartender...

As a former bartender, I know the strains and perils of having someone's drink order in your hands. I know that sometimes, you have to play God and make life-threatening decisions based on what type of glass to serve a cosmo in. I mean, do you serve it in a martini glass or a cocktail glass? I too have been put in situations that require the razor-sharp mind and steady hand of an experienced bartender. I know, brother. I know.

My question to you is not about your ability or technique. My question is about your attitude. I remember having bad nights behind the bar. I've been stiffed by the drunk chick who just puked in the sink. Those were the nights that we as bartenders grit our teeth and press on into the night. Sometimes, it's tough to be the super-witty, pistol-winking, wise-cracking bartender that everyone loves, but you have to keep a united front and fight through the pain. Tips, man. Do it for the tips. The only thing worse than having a bad night is having a bad night and not making any money.

You, on the other hand have chosen a different road. Everytime I walk in, be it for a morning mimosa or late night cocktail, I am reminded of what a colossal asswipe you are. I go there for the beach front view and cheap drinks, but every time I interact with you I am reminded, "Oh, yeah. This guy is a complete prick. I forgot.".

What's your angle, man? Do you hate your job? Quit. I can't imagine you make any money when you treat the customers like shit. You should join the police academy or something. That way you could enjoy your dick-headed lifestyle without effecting your income. You could probably even crank it up a notch because, hey, you have a gun. Imagine the attitude you could sling at people then!

All i'm saying is, consider your position in society before you decide you're better than everyone else. You make minimum wage and perpetually smell like vomit. How bout we kick that attitude down a click?

Moto Bolt

This is motocross racer Billy Laninovich's helmet. Sweet-ass sweet.

Fairytale Football

If one more person asks me to be in their fantasy football league i'm going to punch them in the neck. I have enough anxiety about the my real team winning. I don't need a fake one bumming me out too. In addition, I don't want to be the douche in the back of the room slapping my forearms together whenever some insignificant player does something that has no impact on the game being played and screaming, “Yes, he's on my fantasy team!!!”. That guy deserves to be whipped with car antennas.

I don't understand the draw. The only thing I can understand is that you get to pretend to be an NFL team owner and pick the players you think will have the best season. So that means you're basically trying to be the best decision maker in the group, but how would that work when you all made the horrible decision to play fantasy football in the first place?

Fantasy baseball gets a pass because baseball is so fucking boring that I can see why people would create a game within the game to prevent slipping into a coma during the 7^th inning stretch. But football?

I have enough time-wasting activities on my computer. I don't need to add trash talking fake team owners and memorizing kicker stats. I'd rather spend that time complaining about it on my blog.