Stupid or Douchebag?

Last Sunday we hopped on the beach cruisers and took the bay down to PB Ale House to watch the Chargers narrowly defeat the Giants. We ride along at a pretty good click when the path opens up and have to keep our heads on a swivel in case mindless tourons wobble out in front of us. As per usual, one did and I called out the customary "Heads Up!". It was a kid on a mountain bike who's father had pushed him into the path traffic without looking either way. My warning was firm but not impolite. The father immediately pulled the kid to the side an yelled, "Watch out for the Raider fan, Joey!" This would have been fine if I was wearing black warpaint and shoulderpads with foam spikes, but we were both decked from head to toe in Charger Blue and Gold.

Here's where Stupid or Douchbag comes into play.

1. Stupid: Really? You take the time to note that you recognize me as a football fan but you don't know the teams so you yell the first one that comes into your peanut-shaped head.

2. Douchbag: You do know the teams and are acutely aware of the stereotype that Raider fans are all assholes, so you take a shot at me for correcting your horrible job as a parent by clearing your snotnose kid off the busy path so he doesn't get T-boned by some chick on rollerblades who's going for the world landspeed record while playing Mafia Wars on her Blackberry.

Stupid Douchebag. I feel better.

Dear Von's Security Liquor Top Engineer,

Nice try. Apparently your intricate plastic anti-theft device is no match for a boy, a screwdriver, a negligent checkout clerk and a dream. Sure, I annoyed my wife in the livingroom to no end with the incessant banging and the stream of explatives was likely scaring my dog, but I won. I win. *sip* I will not drive back to the store! i WILL NOT BUY MORE EXPENSIVE BOOZE AT THE CORNER SHOP! I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF YOUR FLIMSY ATTEMPT TO KEEP ME OUT! MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!

...actually... while writing this, I realized that the device is more likely designed to keep people from removing it within the store because it contained a magnetic sensor (which clearly didn't work). Not for a guy at home with access to tools. Whatever. I still win. *sip*

Bro, it's called Craigslist.

Thanks for your interest in buying my ride, Big Len, but what's up with underlining "AS IS". You're basically saying, "Make no attempt to improve the quality of this truck. I want it in the shitty condition it is now!". How bout I hit a few mailboxes and sew dead squirrels into the interior? How much would you want it then? I could drive it into a body of stagnate water and encourage ducks to crap on the dash, how bout that? How much more "as is" would you like? What about letting homeless people use it as a studio apartment / port-a-potty?

All it needs is a wash, man. It's the end of summer, it hasn't rained and I have a gnarly commute everyday. Stupid blue note. Stupid Lenny.

Still working on the other post for anyone that gives a crap. Work has been brutal.

Ted's No-So-Excellent Adventure

I just read that the former CEO of Alcor, the cryogenetics company that froze Ted Williams' noggin, wrote a book in which he described the lab technicians abusing good ole Ted's frozen coconut including hitting it with a monkey wrench. I don't know what it says about me as a person, but the first thing I thought was, "What kinda cryogenic freezing labs have monkey wrenches lying around? And if it wasn't lying around, what reason did the lab tech give the maintenance guy for needing a wrench of that magnitude?"

I know that post sucked and I apologize for the lame title but I have a good one in the works. Found a passed out frat guy on in the middle of the sidewalk while walking my dog on Friday night. Good times. Will post tomorrow.

I like my Coffee like I like my Intel® Core™2 Quad

For me, coffee is largely utilitarian. I see people gingerly sipping and enjoying flavored coffees and it makes me a little envious. I use it as a workplace tool, like the processor in my computer. I need it to work hard, I need it to work fast and I need it to work hot. Without it, i'm about as productive as a garden gnome.

For this reason, I normally select the most aggressive sounding coffee available (see Double Black Diamond) in hopes of getting more bang for my buck. Even though it's free in the office kitchen. This morning I finally met my match. This was well illustrated for my coworkers when I jerked back, contorted my face and yelled "KEK!" after taking a sip as I made my way back to my desk. Well done, Coffee People. You named your coffee Jet Fuel and succeeded nicely in recreating the flavor of a fluid that would quite believably power a jet engine.

What's Your End Game?

I've been asking that a lot lately. People's actions really boil down to: "What are you hoping to gain by doing what you just did?" I think that's a fair question. Most things that people do are motivated by money or sex. Even things like succeeding in the workplace or an extra set at the gym are nothing more than an effort to get paid and get laid. That's human nature at it's rawest form and there's certainly nothing wrong with it.

There's a lot of buzz today on the interwebs about the incident last night between Kanye West and Taylor Swift. I haven't seen the footage*, but from the little clips I heard on the radio driving into work, it sounds like he grabbed the mic out of her hands at the VMAs while she was accepting an award and proclaimed that Beyonce should have won. I don't know if the words "fucking douchebag" are even enough to describe this egomaniacal midget. I'm by no means a Taylor Swift fan and firmly believe that listening to country music forces your eyes to grow closer together, but this was an act of colossal asswipeism, even for a legendary asswipe Like Kanye West. There is a lot of chatter about this today and 99% of it is bashing him for inexplicably ruining a little girl's moment in the spotlight, but the question remains;

"What's your end game?"

What could he possibly stand to gain from this? Money? No. This will surely hurt his concert / album sales. Sex? I don't think publicly humiliating a young country music starlet will get Beyonce Knowles to sleep with you, but if that really is the case, I'm storming the stage, arms-a-flailing at the next CMAs and giving Gretchen Wilson an atomic wedgie.

I guess someone like him really has no end game. It's just a sea of bloated selfishness and unbridled narcissism. Douchebag.

*added video later

South Park's Fishsticks

Spidey Tat

I know this guy's Spiderman tats are making the rounds on the interwebs, but I don't want anyone to miss them. This is some next-level nerd ink that is as much awe inspiring as it is disturbing. But it's mostly awesome. While it made my spidey sense register off the chart, I still wonder what it would be like to have a conversation with him in the sauna.

Me: Wow, whatcha got there... spiderman suit?

Spidey Tat Guy: Yup

Me: Cool. It's like your skin ripped off and you're really spiderman.

Spidey Tat Guy: Yup, that's the idea.

Me: So... you aren't really Spiderman? Nah, i'm just kidding!

Spidey Tat Guy: Heh

Me: You do realize there's something fundamentally wrong though...

Spidey Tat Guy: Yeah, I know Spiderman's not real. He was just a hero of mine as a kid.

Me: No no, the idea of a high school kid getting bitten by a radioactive spider, taking on arachnid characteristics and becoming a crime fighter is totally believable, i'm talking about the suit being under your skin

Spidey Tat Guy: ...

Me: I mean, if you're Spiderman and you're hiding your Spiderman suit under a fake skin suit, that means your real skin is under two suits. If you were really Spiderman and you wanted to hide your identity, wouldn't you just take the Spiderman suit off to reveal your real skin instead of putting fake skin over the Spiderman suit? Seems like you'd get pretty hot.

Spidey Tat Guy: I don't... it's just a tattoo

Me: ...

Spidey Tat Guy: ...

Me: I would have went with the Hulk. He didn't have a suit so you're already down a layer.