I love the holidays

Ever have the old man / distracted mother / generic moron cut you off or otherwise impede you in the grocery store parking lot, only to have the same idiot recreate the infraction in the grocery store? I feel like they're not doing a very good job of spreading out the misery. I always think- yo, you already got me in the parking lot. This place is packed and there's a guy in produce that is happily selecting a roma tomato, go ruin his day.

Again? Really?? We're still doing this?

Somebody left a clogged toilet in the bathroom. My suspicions were confirmed when I sheepishly tried to flush it and the race with the devil was on. I cried havoc and grabbed the plunger. It must have sounded like someone having a seizure in a kiddie pool as I plunged harder and the water reached the rim. I managed to dislodge whatever it was (I'm guessing poo and toilet paper judging by the contents of the bowl) in the nick of time. Never looks good when you exit the bathroom sweating and panting like a basset hound. Monday serves up another wonderful experience.

My First Squash

[ Wife emails grocery list that includes one yellow squash ]

Me (over IM): Do i know what "1 yellow squash" is? i've never bought a squash in my life

Her: Its a yellow thing, should be by the cucumbers

Me: you should be by the cucumbers

Her: !

[ Enter grocery store and collect requested items. Including one yellow squash ]

Cashier (flipping though produce code book): Is this a straight squash or a curved one?

Me: I don't know. It's my first squash. All I know is that It's supposed to be yellow

Cashier (looks up like a lobster just crawled out of my ear): What do you mean?

Me: I haven't ever bought a squash before. This is my first one

Cashier (through broken laughter) wha... what made you finally turn the corner??

Me: The wife wants to eat healthier I guess...

The Cashier continued scanning items and her giggling gradually became laughter. As I grabbed all my bags and headed for the door she waved and yelled "Good luck with your squash, even if it all goes wrong, at least you bought wine too!!" and laughed even harder.

Boyz on Da Piano?

I think Easy-E's line "Don't quote me boy cause I ain't said shit" comes off as a little paranoid. If he doesn't want to be quoted, why did he agree to make the song and have it widely distributed? Also, in the beginning of the song, Dre asks him to "come off the piano for a minute and bust this crazy shit". Are we to believe that when he wasn't sprayin suckas with his Mac-10, he was playin chopsticks on da piano?

Extreeeeeme!!1

I wonder what the marketing department at Monster Energy Drinks thought when they started seeing people putting their big-ass "M" logo on their personal trucks / bikes / rec vehicles without receiving a single sponsored dime. I bet there were more than a few high-fives. Prolly at least a couple chest bumps too.

(Yes, i'm aware that's two back window sticker posts in a row. I drive 65 miles round trip everyday. That's a lot of back windows.)

Is that Spaceman Spiff comitting public urination??

I'm always confused when I see a back window sticker of Calvin pissing on a Ford / Chevy logo. My first thought is, "Huh? We're still doing the Calvin stickers?" and My second thought is, "Huh? People have a proactive truck preference that runs so deep that they must launch a smear campaign against other truck manufacturers... which they also do not own stock in or work for on any relatable level?". Then I usually pass a Denny's and start thinking about destroying my cholesterol with a Moons Over My Hammy.

Pick Two

By Colin Harman

There. Fixed it. Happy?

How to get a lazy web designer to fix his code: Public humiliation on a social network.

Comedy Pink

Sat across the pool from this douchenozzle all day last Sunday. He was wearing super-hilarious over-sized pink novelty sunglasses. All day. Never got old. That's called "committing to the bit", folks. Once I noticed the giant Raiders shield tattoo on his shin, I started looking for the MTV Boiling Point cameras because nobody could get that lucky at selecting things that annoy the everloving shit out of me.