My drive home is brutal. San Diego is nipping at the heels of LA's infamous traffic. The only thing more annoying than sitting in stopped traffic is sitting in stopped traffic and having to listen to inane radio commercials. To combat this, I have taken to throwing in an earbud. I know it's illegal, but the stretch of the 5 between Del Mar and Mission Bay at 4:30 on a weekday is basically a copless parking lot, so i'm not too worried about being pulled over for it.
There are 2 stoplights before I get to the freeway on the way home. The lights are nice and long, so they give me time to get situated for the bumper to bumper shuffle. While sitting at the first light yesterday, I dug through my super-cool messenger bag and fished out my new ipod shuffle. I got the orange. Originally I got the green, but that's another post for another day.
It is important that I stop here and insert my thoughts on bees. Hate em. Hate em ever since I was stung on the face while standing on the starting block in the 3rd grade, causing me to fall into the water and get disqualified for a false start. From that day it was 'game on' for me and bees.
So there I am at the stoplight, fidgeting with my little ipod. I glanced down and discovered a giant yellow jacket on the seat in between my legs. If this wasn't alarming enough, he was marching toward my crotch. It was almost as if I was watching this little bastard advance on my junk in slow motion. Panic. If this thing stings me in the nuts, I will bail out of this car screaming with the transmission still in drive and probably make the news.
It's interesting how moments of sheer panic slow down and give you almost an advantage. In the time it took this bee to walk 3 steps, i had surmised the situation, enacted a plan and surveyed my entire car for something to kill it with. The only thing I had was my ipod. I immediately plunged my little shuffle into the seat where the bee was and yelled “die die die!!”
Then the light turned green.
I don't know if you've ever tried to kill a bug on a cushioned surface, but they don't die right away. Their exoskeletons are extremely tough and it usually takes a 'jam, grind and smear' technique to make sure the deed is done. I did not have this luxury. I just had the 'jam'. The bee immediately disappeared under my ass. Now i'm trying to get through an intersection while arching my back completely off the seat and making some kind of yak mating call. It was then that I realized I had a full audience of cars around me trying to figure out why my car was shaking around and where the yak was. By the time I got to the second light, I was essentially driving my car in the passenger seat.
The bee was never recovered.
I could speculate all day about what happened to the bee. I don't think it survived the initial attack, but it's whereabouts remain a mystery. Maybe it made it under the seat and is planning pop out while i'm on my way to lunch, scream “This is for La Raza!!” and sting me in the ankle. I guess it's just a waiting game.
What's the deal with people driving like assholes with Jesus fishes on their cars? The ironic part of being cut off by someone that has this fish on the back of their car is you generally shout the word, "Jesus!" just as you notice the decal. Maybe this is a new tactic the church is using to get people's attention, but how do you think the Lord's Son feels about being represented by some jackoff in a minivan who's talking on the phone, flicking Pall Malls out the window and driving like a complete dick? Do the Judeo-Christian code of ethics only apply in the church parking lot? I don't know, i'm just asking. Maybe i'm supposed to be giving these people a break, i mean, they did purchase and adhere a gray plastic fish to their car. That must mean they can drive however they want. I can understand people with Darwin fishes driving like douchebags because let's face it, they're already going to hell for making fun of the Jesus fish. 
