AFC WD Champs 2008

8+ hours at Miller's Field in PB to secure a prime spot to watch the game makes for a bad Monday. Hooray for yesterday. Boo for today.

What's annoying me today:

That should be the title of this blog, but let me get to the venting: People that use the word "Guru". "My SEO Guru says, blah blah blah..." What exactly makes someone a "guru" of anything? Am I a Top Ramen Preparation Guru? Are US auto makers Horrible Idea Gurus? (like that? Topical and timely. Look out Daily Show). How good at something do you have to be to be a "guru"? If Mike Myers is any indicator, he's the guru of making unfunny movies. I think the term is used to humble the user and make the target appear vastly superior, thereby inferring that because the user doesn't understand the topic, the rest of us mouth breathers should hang on their every word.

"My SEO Guru..."

Ugh.

Shut up.

Idiot.

On a lighter note, next month marks 4 years of narcissistic word vomiting here on Blogger (this post being a prime example). To mark the occasion, I added some AdSense code. It wont hurt anyone and I can save money for the worm store. Click on the ads. Do it. Click on them. *click click*

Att: Sam who likes guys who sell bikes

This is in response to an email from Sam L. (ztzopd@aol.com) who contacted me after I posted an ad looking for my bike in the bicycles section on craigslist. This is his/her email:

From your post you seem very interesting so i thought i'd break the ice.I'm 21 years old and single again. I recently got out of a long term relationship and I have totally forgotten how to date. I'm not looking for anything serious right off the bat but I would like to go on casual dates again and get to know people, if it turns into something more then no problems. I'm somewhat shy, a bit eccentric and I can be very blunt. I wear t-shirts, play video games, have a WOW account,watch anime, and I love pizza and sushi. Hey if you want to meet up tonight and chat check out my photos and profile on http://lustchat.does.it my screenname is sam21bunny let me know what time you would like me to get o so we can chat..later tonight

Sam L.

********** My response **********

To Sam L.,

Thanks for contacting me regarding your relationship status and your desire to date people selling bikes on Craigslist. Since you never mentioned your gender and your name is unisex, I have to assume you are a heterosexual woman or a gay man. Actually, I never mentioned MY gender in the description of my bike, meaning you might think i'm a woman which would make you a heterosexual man or a gay woman. So- now that we've nailed you down to 4 different gender / lifestyle combos, lets get to the dating. Wait a minute... what if you're a transsexual? Ok- we've whittled away the mystery and concluded that you're one of at least 6 possibilities. I'm not judging, clearly you're interested in me, so who am I to turn down a compliment. Let's move on with the rest of your letter...

Ah- you wear t-shirts. Interesting. I've often wondered what it would be like to date someone that wears t-shirts. I see couples wearing t-shirts all the time and think to myself, "Yeah, that looks right." I could be like those people that start dating someone who is a little punk rock and they start with the leather bracelet and before you know it they're wearing black fingernail polish, sporting a fauxhawk and bitching about Alkaline Trio. Maybe I could start wearing t-shirts too. I hope my friends don't call me out on the lifestyle change.

A WoW account?? What are the odds of two Warcrafters using a free online ecommerce website to meet people?? This is fate, Sam. I Know it. We are destined to wear t-shirts and eat pizza together. T-shirts, pizza and World of Warcraft. Thats an uncanny combination of things that we have in common. Here on craigslist.

I'm glad you included your profile at lustchat.com. Most people would be suspicious that this was an intentionally vague copy & paste that some douchebag spammer was sending to people selling stuff on Craigslist, but i'm not. You said you're shy and a shy person wouldn't do that.

Contact me at my lustchat screen name, fuckoffspammer21. Oh there's the doorbell. I need to pause my game and throw on a t-shirt. The pizza's here.

To the Guy That Stole My Beach Cruiser.

I say "guy" because of the two bikes, the boy's one was stolen and the girl's was not. This was the only good decision you made last night because the owner of the girl's bike would have tracked you down and turned you into the gender the bike was originally designed for.

I prefer to wait until I see you riding it around PB to do what i'm going to do. Make no mistake- i will find my bike. It is in your best interest to pray for two things at this point,

1. I find it locked outside a bar with no one on it
2. the police get involved.

See ya soon, douchnozzle.

Stuffed Cheese Rolled Bacon Basket

It's been a while since I posted a vulgar display of gluttony. Thanks to Adam, that trend is over. I'd like to note that when i landed on the page, the ad banner in the right was for World of Warcraft. This was no accident... the apocalypse is truly upon us. link

The Dumb Guy Theory

Ever notice that almost all successful sitcoms have a stupid guy? Woody from Cheers, Joey from Friends, Luther from Coach, Lowell from Wings (i said successful, not good). Seinfeld is really the only exception that comes to mind and Kramer was no rocket scientist. I wonder what that says about society's overall comfort with having a dumb person in their life.

These characters are always arguably the most likable in the cast, but they're never the central role. Joey's creatively titled spin-off "Joey" is a good example of that dynamic not working. So that means people like having a dumb friend, but they don't like identifying with a dumb person. That makes sense- no one wants to be the dumb guy.

My biggest problem with this is that I know dumb people and the last two characteristics I would ever give them are likable and funny. They're usually annoying, judgmental and over-opinionated. So where are all these dim-witted-but-big-hearted people? I guess if we learned anything from sitcoms, it's that if your neighbors are nosey and 1/5th of your friends are no smarter than tube of yogurt, your life is probably marginally funny for about 30 minutes a week.

crash

Just before noon yesterday, an F/A-18D Hornet crashed into a residential neighborhood in San Diego, killing at least three people. The jet was coming back from a carrier in the Pacific and suffered an engine failure on it's way to Marine Corps Air Station Miramar. From what i've gathered, after the first engine failed, the pilot attempted to crash it into an unpopulated ravine when the second engine failed and the jet dropped from the sky like a rock. Kids from a nearby playground were so close, they heard the pops of the canopy being blown off as the pilot ejected (you'll no doubt remember that's what killed Goose). He was found hanging by his parachute from a tree in a canyon.

Guess something like that puts things in perspective. Makes worrying about things like money or your job seem small when you consider the fact that you could have your lunch interrupted by a fucking fighter jet hurling itself through your kitchen.

note- i changed the title b/c this accident was actually pretty tragic.