I like my Coffee like I like my Intel® Core™2 Quad

For me, coffee is largely utilitarian. I see people gingerly sipping and enjoying flavored coffees and it makes me a little envious. I use it as a workplace tool, like the processor in my computer. I need it to work hard, I need it to work fast and I need it to work hot. Without it, i'm about as productive as a garden gnome.

For this reason, I normally select the most aggressive sounding coffee available (see Double Black Diamond) in hopes of getting more bang for my buck. Even though it's free in the office kitchen. This morning I finally met my match. This was well illustrated for my coworkers when I jerked back, contorted my face and yelled "KEK!" after taking a sip as I made my way back to my desk. Well done, Coffee People. You named your coffee Jet Fuel and succeeded nicely in recreating the flavor of a fluid that would quite believably power a jet engine.

What's Your End Game?

I've been asking that a lot lately. People's actions really boil down to: "What are you hoping to gain by doing what you just did?" I think that's a fair question. Most things that people do are motivated by money or sex. Even things like succeeding in the workplace or an extra set at the gym are nothing more than an effort to get paid and get laid. That's human nature at it's rawest form and there's certainly nothing wrong with it.

There's a lot of buzz today on the interwebs about the incident last night between Kanye West and Taylor Swift. I haven't seen the footage*, but from the little clips I heard on the radio driving into work, it sounds like he grabbed the mic out of her hands at the VMAs while she was accepting an award and proclaimed that Beyonce should have won. I don't know if the words "fucking douchebag" are even enough to describe this egomaniacal midget. I'm by no means a Taylor Swift fan and firmly believe that listening to country music forces your eyes to grow closer together, but this was an act of colossal asswipeism, even for a legendary asswipe Like Kanye West. There is a lot of chatter about this today and 99% of it is bashing him for inexplicably ruining a little girl's moment in the spotlight, but the question remains;

"What's your end game?"

What could he possibly stand to gain from this? Money? No. This will surely hurt his concert / album sales. Sex? I don't think publicly humiliating a young country music starlet will get Beyonce Knowles to sleep with you, but if that really is the case, I'm storming the stage, arms-a-flailing at the next CMAs and giving Gretchen Wilson an atomic wedgie.

I guess someone like him really has no end game. It's just a sea of bloated selfishness and unbridled narcissism. Douchebag.

*added video later

South Park's Fishsticks

Spidey Tat

I know this guy's Spiderman tats are making the rounds on the interwebs, but I don't want anyone to miss them. This is some next-level nerd ink that is as much awe inspiring as it is disturbing. But it's mostly awesome. While it made my spidey sense register off the chart, I still wonder what it would be like to have a conversation with him in the sauna.

Me: Wow, whatcha got there... spiderman suit?

Spidey Tat Guy: Yup

Me: Cool. It's like your skin ripped off and you're really spiderman.

Spidey Tat Guy: Yup, that's the idea.

Me: So... you aren't really Spiderman? Nah, i'm just kidding!

Spidey Tat Guy: Heh

Me: You do realize there's something fundamentally wrong though...

Spidey Tat Guy: Yeah, I know Spiderman's not real. He was just a hero of mine as a kid.

Me: No no, the idea of a high school kid getting bitten by a radioactive spider, taking on arachnid characteristics and becoming a crime fighter is totally believable, i'm talking about the suit being under your skin

Spidey Tat Guy: ...

Me: I mean, if you're Spiderman and you're hiding your Spiderman suit under a fake skin suit, that means your real skin is under two suits. If you were really Spiderman and you wanted to hide your identity, wouldn't you just take the Spiderman suit off to reveal your real skin instead of putting fake skin over the Spiderman suit? Seems like you'd get pretty hot.

Spidey Tat Guy: I don't... it's just a tattoo

Me: ...

Spidey Tat Guy: ...

Me: I would have went with the Hulk. He didn't have a suit so you're already down a layer.

Updated Facebook Update Rules:

1. No spamming your website. Blog linking is fine in moderation, but I don't want to join your pyramid scheme, and yes, as much as you think it's a "Once in a lifetime opportunity!", it's a pyramid scheme, stupid.

2. No more than one Mafia Wars update a day. Seriously, get back to work.

3. No religious or political bullshit. At this age everyone has their opinions and you throwing yours in people's faces isn't going to change anything. Even if you were able to swing someone into your way of thinking because of some stupid facebook update, you're recruiting soft-headed morons which isn't helping your cause.

4. Any food-related update that required a plastic spoon to eat is grounds for deletion.

5. No celebration without explanation. When you update, "I finally got it, wahoo!!!", it may elicit 25 of your friends to inquire what you got, but it makes me hope it gets run over by a school bus.

6. No asking fact-based questions that can be found on Google. If you're on Facebook, you've found the internet. Use it.

7. Don't need the gym schedule. We get it, you're a gym member. Go pump yourself.

That's probably enough alienating for one day. If you have anything to add, please do. Once again, if you're guilty of any of the above, i'm not talking about you. I'm talking about everyone else.