Earbud Commute

I wear earbuds when I commute. I know it's illegal but so is snapping in traffic and putting a minivan into the wall. Podcasts keep my mind off the road which is actually safer for everyone.

That being said, no one wants a chickenshit ticket and I commute through the nexus of the chickenshit ticket universe. Because of this, I have developed a way of getting my earbuds out if a cop pulls up behind me without any upper body movement. They look for twitchy arm movements, so I grab the cord in my lap and yank them out of my ears. It kinda hurts, but it works. Haven't gotten a ticket yet, but I realized something today... if the person in front of me happens to look in their mirror as I do this, all they see is a motionless driver with earbuds flying out of his head. It must look like I rock so hard that I don't even notice my ipod exploding out of my dome.

Man, I wish I still rocked that hard.

The Fake Baby Store

I had a conference call this morning with a woman that runs a company that sells life-like baby dolls. She calls them "Reborn Dolls". They look like human children. Feel free to google that, but I will not link her website because A. I don't want to get fired and B. I value my readers and showing you guys these things would understandably force you to delete my bookmark. Here is an unfinished list of things that bothered me about that phone call:

1. Woman was German. Yes, they build great sports cars, but let's just say they are also notoriously into some pretty weird shit. Pun very much intended.

2. One of the things she stressed was that she needs to be able to retain her repeat customers. REPEAT CUSTOMERS?? People are wearing out fake babies like a pair of Reeboks???

3. She wants to feature little stands that anchor into grass so the plastic kids look like they're playing on your lawn. The cost of the therapy to bring me back from walking past that front yard would almost be worth a video of my reaction.

4. Why? Just... why?

5. She purchased the biggest website package we offer which means her business is doing very well which means people are buying these f@#king things!!

When all is said and done, I guess if whatever people are doing with fake babies isn't happening to actual human babies, then it's a win for everyone. Oh, by the way, her homepage features a video of how to assemble your infant. It starts out with a disassembled baby. The torso has little nipples. It's way too early in the week for this shit.

01 Call Missed

When i was 18, I enlisted in the US Army. I guess I don't really need to say "US" Army because i'm obviously not enlisting the Roman Army, but I digress... After I took my physical and ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery) test, they told me I qualified for EOD Tech School. Bomb disposal. At first I was a little disappointed because I figured that meant I was about as smart as a monkey wearing a football helmet and banging on a warhead with a tack hammer, but I looked into it and those guys do some pretty intense shit. I was promptly booted off the bus when they found out I lied on my application about not having asthma as a child, but it makes me wonder if I would still be around had that not happened. They told me 1 in 10 IEDs go off during diffusal. After watching the Hurt Locker, I started thinking about it again and remembered seeing this photo from the beginning of the Iraqi conflict:



If you've seen the movie then you know what this is. Pretty fucking scary. Some dude with a 5th grade education sat in a dirty cement shack and managed to wire this cell phone to trigger an IED. I mean- he probably knew more about electronics than your average Circuit City technician. I say "knew" because I assume eventually all these guys go out doing what they do. Just seems like displaced motivation. He could be replacing motherboards or refurbishing blackberries that people dropped in uninals, but nope. Gonna blow people up. I don't get it.

I believe you have my stapler

After conferring with my brain-trust*, it has been determined that my blog should not be split into angry writings and angry cartoons, so I'm resurrecting one I started in 2005 when my "Art Director" at the time found out I already had one, thereby putting an end to me bitching about her on it for fear of losing a job I deeply hated.

In the spirit of complaining about the workplace, I give you
My Red Swingline.

* Bill, Jenny, 2 feral cats and a homeless guy