The Fake Baby Store

I had a conference call this morning with a woman that runs a company that sells life-like baby dolls. She calls them "Reborn Dolls". They look like human children. Feel free to google that, but I will not link her website because A. I don't want to get fired and B. I value my readers and showing you guys these things would understandably force you to delete my bookmark. Here is an unfinished list of things that bothered me about that phone call:

1. Woman was German. Yes, they build great sports cars, but let's just say they are also notoriously into some pretty weird shit. Pun very much intended.

2. One of the things she stressed was that she needs to be able to retain her repeat customers. REPEAT CUSTOMERS?? People are wearing out fake babies like a pair of Reeboks???

3. She wants to feature little stands that anchor into grass so the plastic kids look like they're playing on your lawn. The cost of the therapy to bring me back from walking past that front yard would almost be worth a video of my reaction.

4. Why? Just... why?

5. She purchased the biggest website package we offer which means her business is doing very well which means people are buying these f@#king things!!

When all is said and done, I guess if whatever people are doing with fake babies isn't happening to actual human babies, then it's a win for everyone. Oh, by the way, her homepage features a video of how to assemble your infant. It starts out with a disassembled baby. The torso has little nipples. It's way too early in the week for this shit.