Dear Von's Security Liquor Top Engineer,

Nice try. Apparently your intricate plastic anti-theft device is no match for a boy, a screwdriver, a negligent checkout clerk and a dream. Sure, I annoyed my wife in the livingroom to no end with the incessant banging and the stream of explatives was likely scaring my dog, but I won. I win. *sip* I will not drive back to the store! i WILL NOT BUY MORE EXPENSIVE BOOZE AT THE CORNER SHOP! I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF YOUR FLIMSY ATTEMPT TO KEEP ME OUT! MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!

...actually... while writing this, I realized that the device is more likely designed to keep people from removing it within the store because it contained a magnetic sensor (which clearly didn't work). Not for a guy at home with access to tools. Whatever. I still win. *sip*

Bro, it's called Craigslist.

Thanks for your interest in buying my ride, Big Len, but what's up with underlining "AS IS". You're basically saying, "Make no attempt to improve the quality of this truck. I want it in the shitty condition it is now!". How bout I hit a few mailboxes and sew dead squirrels into the interior? How much would you want it then? I could drive it into a body of stagnate water and encourage ducks to crap on the dash, how bout that? How much more "as is" would you like? What about letting homeless people use it as a studio apartment / port-a-potty?

All it needs is a wash, man. It's the end of summer, it hasn't rained and I have a gnarly commute everyday. Stupid blue note. Stupid Lenny.

Still working on the other post for anyone that gives a crap. Work has been brutal.

Ted's No-So-Excellent Adventure

I just read that the former CEO of Alcor, the cryogenetics company that froze Ted Williams' noggin, wrote a book in which he described the lab technicians abusing good ole Ted's frozen coconut including hitting it with a monkey wrench. I don't know what it says about me as a person, but the first thing I thought was, "What kinda cryogenic freezing labs have monkey wrenches lying around? And if it wasn't lying around, what reason did the lab tech give the maintenance guy for needing a wrench of that magnitude?"

I know that post sucked and I apologize for the lame title but I have a good one in the works. Found a passed out frat guy on in the middle of the sidewalk while walking my dog on Friday night. Good times. Will post tomorrow.