80s Sitcom Intros

update 4/5: 4 comments?!? You guys suck.

Dear Wile E. Coyote,

What's the deal, man? Hunger has driven me to do some pretty desperate things, but you're just making a fool of yourself. I mean, my God, man. Did the rocket skates work last time? No. No they did not. You got your ass pancaked into a rock. Again. What makes you think this time will be any different? And talk about brand loyalty, what's up with all the Acme stuff? Clearly, they make a faulty product. When was the last time anything, (explosive or other), worked?

Look, all i'm saying is you need to attack this road runner thing from another angle. Conventional weapons are not doing the trick. What about an MTV show where you throw yourself into stuff like the guys in Jackass? If there is one thing you are good at, it's taking a beating and you my friend are resilient. You might even consider something in bomb disposal. You seem to bounce back from all the times you've been blown up. Who can say that? Daffy Duck can take a shotgun blast to the face with only temporary bill displacement, but you've fallen 60+ stories how many times? There is also Schematics. You can draw up a pretty sweet diagram. Either way, make some scratch doing something else and just buy an already caught and cooked road runner.

Just some friendly advice, bro. Oh, also, if you find that you've run off a cliff, do NOT look down. I've been watching and that seems to be the thing that drops your ass into the oblivion.

(This is what happens when you watch cartoons on YouTube all day.)

Reef Dram

In 2005, Reef released a flip flop that featured a bottle opener built into the sole. Knowing my affinity for flip flops and beer (as pictured here), my friends were quick to alert me to this wonderful new invention.

Today, while shopping for my third replacement pair I discovered this:

That's right. They went to the next level. Disgustingly genius. link

Your Wheels Suck

I like cars. I like them a lot. I'm not really a gearhead, but I go to car shows when they're around and I pause to admire a particularly nice one when I see it on the street. Example. I appreciate the time and care it takes to restore an old muscle car and I plan to do it myself when i'm retired and have nothing to do other than yell at the neighborhood kids and bitch about the government to my basset hound. That being said, I know the difference between a project and a piece of shit. My neighbor has a piece of shit.

Now, we've all had to drive cars that weren't our dream cars. Some of us lived on a couch and had to keep their 1971 Karmann Ghia patched together with speaker wire and duct tape just to get to and from their crappy job at Round Table Pizza where they ate handfulls of pepperoni when the managers weren't around to stay alive. I get it.

What I don't get is idiots that take a piece of shit with no muffler and try to pass it off as a muscle car that should be dragged up and down the street like an alcohol funny car on a track in Riverside. Your car sucks. Not only does it suck, but it's louder than it is fast. Loud, sucky and across the street from me.

Racing this shitbox up and down the street is like a toothless hooker that smells like arm pits shaking her business past you over and over. It was unpleasant the first time and the more they do it, the more I want them to get hit by a bus.

All I can do is hope that when this asshat does drive his deathtrap into a pack of cub scouts crossing the street, his cell mate is a "top".

Ok, wishing rape on someone is a little extreme, but, man... this guy is a serious douchebag.

Bolts' New Uni

For the first time in 18 years, the the Chargers uniform and logo have undergone complete makeovers. Chief among the changes is a redesigned gold bolt outlined in powder blue and white helmets.

I doubt that anyone who reads this blog gives a squirt of piss about the Chargers, but I would be remiss if i didn't link the article and the video.

Wacom!

To Catch a Predator

I'm hopelessly addicted to Dateline's To Catch a Predator. I don't know why, but it fascinates me. As I was watching it online today, I came to an interesting realization. They usually show the chat logs, but recently they've hired voice-over actors to read them in the first person. Compounding the uneasiness that the graphic sexual content creates, the actor that plays the predator has a distinct and very recognizable speech pattern. This guy could say anything and it would give me the chills. If I was standing in line at the grocery store and he asked me what time it was, I guarantee I would spring into action, slam him into the gum display and make a citizen's arrest.

I can only imagine this dude's agent explaining the gig. "You'll be reading disgusting chat logs that convicted, felonious perverts have sent to children describing the unspeakable sexual acts they want to perform on them. This will be broadcast on Dateline NBC. Oh, remember, when the chat reads the acronym 'lol', you want to insert a super-creepy chuckle."

And what's up with all the guys sending pictures of their dongs? Why do they think anyone, let alone underage girls want to see a blurry jpg of their junk? The weird thing is they all do it.

Since i'm such a fan, I have taken the time to write up a check-list for anyone that thinks they might want to diddle a kid:

1. Move to Florida

2. Create a creepy screen name

3. Find a chat room and locate underage kid

4. Say wildly inappropriate things to the kid

5. Take pic of your wiener, send it to the child and expect them to say anything other than "eeew"

6. Believe that an attractive young boy or girl would be into a 50 year old dude with a lazy eye that sends pics of his crank to kids he meets online

7. Load the glove compartment up with weed and rubbers and head out to the kid's empty beach house. Remember, high school kids that live on the beach don't have anything else to do when their parents are gone for the night.

8. Enter the home and sit down at the clearly marked interrogation table.

9a. Say hi to Chris when he walks out and explain that you've seen Dateline, you know who he is and tell him you're "sorry". Slink out the door.

or

9b. Run for it (this is recommended).

10. Get tackled and beaten like a pinata by Florida's Finest. Some have opted to get tasered. As viewers, we really appreciate that level of commitment.

I don't know if it's morbid curiosity or some self-gratifying feeling of justice I get when they bust these guys and shove a camera in their face. All I can say is, they are extremely lucky it's Chris Hansen walking out and not the kid's father. Although, that might be better TV.

Click here for the Unofficial TCP Drinking Game

Spiderman 3 Preview

This is a seven and a half minute promotional trailer from NBC. NBC is infamous for removing their content from YouTube once they find it, so I expect this to disappear pretty quickly. Enjoy while you can. The first 3 minutes are kinda boring but the rest kicks ass.

Your Studio and You

This is extremely funny. Explanation below:



When Edgar Bronfman Jr gained ownership of Universal Studios he got into some odd marketing campaign practices.

One of which is this rare employee orientation video, that enlightened people about how things were going to change under new management.

It was comissioned to be written and directed by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, and it was, and Jr. didn't like it, so they scrapped it.

Great satire, video includes appearances by Steven Spielberg, Demi Moore, Tracy Lords, James Cameron, Michael J. Fox, and Sylvester Stallone.