To Catch a Predator

I'm hopelessly addicted to Dateline's To Catch a Predator. I don't know why, but it fascinates me. As I was watching it online today, I came to an interesting realization. They usually show the chat logs, but recently they've hired voice-over actors to read them in the first person. Compounding the uneasiness that the graphic sexual content creates, the actor that plays the predator has a distinct and very recognizable speech pattern. This guy could say anything and it would give me the chills. If I was standing in line at the grocery store and he asked me what time it was, I guarantee I would spring into action, slam him into the gum display and make a citizen's arrest.

I can only imagine this dude's agent explaining the gig. "You'll be reading disgusting chat logs that convicted, felonious perverts have sent to children describing the unspeakable sexual acts they want to perform on them. This will be broadcast on Dateline NBC. Oh, remember, when the chat reads the acronym 'lol', you want to insert a super-creepy chuckle."

And what's up with all the guys sending pictures of their dongs? Why do they think anyone, let alone underage girls want to see a blurry jpg of their junk? The weird thing is they all do it.

Since i'm such a fan, I have taken the time to write up a check-list for anyone that thinks they might want to diddle a kid:

1. Move to Florida

2. Create a creepy screen name

3. Find a chat room and locate underage kid

4. Say wildly inappropriate things to the kid

5. Take pic of your wiener, send it to the child and expect them to say anything other than "eeew"

6. Believe that an attractive young boy or girl would be into a 50 year old dude with a lazy eye that sends pics of his crank to kids he meets online

7. Load the glove compartment up with weed and rubbers and head out to the kid's empty beach house. Remember, high school kids that live on the beach don't have anything else to do when their parents are gone for the night.

8. Enter the home and sit down at the clearly marked interrogation table.

9a. Say hi to Chris when he walks out and explain that you've seen Dateline, you know who he is and tell him you're "sorry". Slink out the door.

or

9b. Run for it (this is recommended).

10. Get tackled and beaten like a pinata by Florida's Finest. Some have opted to get tasered. As viewers, we really appreciate that level of commitment.

I don't know if it's morbid curiosity or some self-gratifying feeling of justice I get when they bust these guys and shove a camera in their face. All I can say is, they are extremely lucky it's Chris Hansen walking out and not the kid's father. Although, that might be better TV.

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