Beware of Dog

Moving into a new place always presents new opportunities and new challenges. Moving into a new condo with a territorial and neurotic dog is just challenging. Our front door now opens up onto a green garden with a little foot path and a very low amount of traffic consisting of our new neighbors. We've noticed fewer and fewer neighbors walking by as of late. We suspect they are walking all the way around the building to avoid the 25lbs. rabid badger living behind our screen door. Jenny calls it an "alarm bark". If that's the case, we need to get into talks with the good people at Brinks because we could leave a palate of gold bars on our living room table and I doubt anyone would have the balls to go for it (I would like to insert here that our dog is a pug / beagle mix and is afraid of cats on the sidewalk. Ton of bark, zero bite). We've been here about a week and gotten braver about leaving the front door open with the screen closed while using Jenny's training techniques to help bring peace to this once tranquil pathway. These people shouldn't have to live in fear.

We got home last Friday at about the same time. Jenny went for the shower and I went for the dishes. I was standing in the kitchen in plain view of the front screen, knowing we would be fine because the dog typically guards the bathroom door and wouldn't see any harmless victims walk by.

Just as long as no one bangs on the screen and yells "Knock Knock!".

Out of the corner of my eye, I see movement. I spin to witness an adolescent kid charging the screen door with an armload of what I imagine to be items available for purchase to help a worthy cause. My eyes went wide as his balled fist went into knocking position and he flashed a toothy grin. It was too late, there was nothing I could do to warn him. The missile keys were turned.

"KNOCK KNOCK!!"

I dropped the pot I was washing and immediately went into containment mode. I got to the hallway just in time to see a blur of flapping ears and lips fly around the corner and head for the door at breakneck speed and full volume. The screen door has bars on it, but that didn't stop the kid from flying backward like he'd been hit by a smartcar full of candy bars. When I got to the door, and attempted to peel the animal off the screen, I yelled that I was sorry over the maniacal barking. I felt bad as he dusted himself off and collected his worthy-cause candy bars from the lawn. I expected to be put on some kind of anti door-to-door salesman watchlist, but to my shock- the kid secured his cargo, started towards the door and began shouting his sales pitch.

I yelled, "DUDE- don't need any candy- thanks!!" as i wrestled the the escaped mental patient to the ground. He smiled confidently, waved thank you and politely made his way to the next door.

After all the dust was settled and the dog was subdued, I got a little angry at this kid for disrupting my evening, but the fact that he looked into the eye of the beast and it didn't shake his game was admirable. This cat wanted to sell some candy bars and had the moxie to face the neighborhood bully to do it. Sales managers of the world- watch for this guy. He's going places.

Got Sand?

When I first saw the Got Milk campaign I was impressed. As a student of marketing, a novice advertising analyst and general consumer, I recognized it as a very clever idea. It was funny and did a brilliant job of product promotion. A quick Google search explains that the campaign was created by the advertising agency Goodby Silverstein & Partners in 1993 and if given the opportunity I would love to buy them all a big 'ole glass of soy milk as i'm sure they're all ironically lactose intolerant.

As with all things creative and in the public spotlight, it was almost immediately bastardized by every moron on the planet in an attempt to piggyback the idea. Got Lamps? Got Office Supplies?, Got Medical Waste?, Where's the Beef?... you get the point. We've endured 17 years of this stupid and uncreative bullshit. How is it I am still sitting in traffic, stuck behind an unnecessarily modified off-road vehicle with a "Got Sand?" sticker plastered across the back window?? That sticker didn't make sense in 1993... how are they still getting produced, purchased and applied?? Got Sand?? Yes- I got sand. What do you want to do with it? Drive around in it? How much sand do you require me to possess? Where would you like my sand delivered? Hey- know what's the most abundant substance on this planet? FUCKING SAND!!! Having sand is not a problem for anyone else in the world.. I would argue that "Good Christ, I Wish There Wasn't So Much Goddamn Sand Here" would be a much more popular sticker if properly marketed on a global scale.

Got Sand. Got a Less Original Idea for a Sticker? I don't know who I blame more- the people who think it's a good idea to produce these stupid stickers or the people that actually buy them. The next time you see one- notice that's it's off center because Pabst Blue Ribbon mixed with a little inbreeding causes balance and alignment problems.