The Rebirth of Mothra

Our front door is located in the eastern wing of our palatial estate. Unfortunately, that is also where the waste bin province for the surrounding residents is located. Price you pay to live on the bay. Because of this, the house fly count skyrockets when the spring comes around and the trash heats up to what I can only guess smells like pan seared filet mignon to a fly. We have tried to combat the problem with fly strips in the past, but the wife found something a little more proactive recently in the form of a AA battery powered fly swatter. It's basically a battery charged tennis racquet for zapping flies. I know this sounds like a glamorous activity, but I assure you, it is not. Diving over couches, swinging an electrified racquet around like a blindfolded kid going at a pinata is a great way to pull a hamstring. Whatever, it was funny, we took pictures and laughed.

Until later that evening....

About an hour after Jenny went to bed, the dog and I were camped on the couch, eating wheat thins and deeply engrossed in a particularly riveting episode of Street Patrol, when something flew into the room. We both noticed it at the same time because when it flew past the light, the room briefly went dark. At first I was convinced a condor had gotten out of the San Diego Zoo and made it's way into our living room. In a flash I was on my feet, bug racquet in hand and we were in "the shit" as they said in Vietnam. Oliver was providing ground fire while I set up for the big aerial strike. The target was misidentified as a bird- upon further inspection it was clear we were dealing with some kind of prehistoric moth. It was bouncing off the walls and the buzzing of it's wings filled the room. I activated the bug zapper and went in.

The first couple swings were a miss, but by the time the fight made it into the kitchen, I connected and sparks flew. The popping sound of the zapper was barely audible over the barking, but it was clear that the beast had taken damage. I expected it to fall lifelessly to the floor as so many flies had done earlier that evening, but this was proving to be quite a bit more challenging than we had expected. Defiantly, it darted around the kitchen ceiling, buzzing and smacking against the lights. Everyone involved was probably cursing that this point. Eventually, I was able to pin it into the corner next to the refrigerator and delivered another death strike. The zapper sparked and the moth buzzed, but did not fall. I immediately started dictating a letter to the people of the bug zapper manufacturer, calling for a larger battery model for cases such as this. 2 AAs just seemed to enrage him. The 3rd strike was critical. It was not fatal, but sent the moth spiraling into the sink. I had momentarily stolen the gift of flight, however it continued to buzz around and bounce off the sides of the sink. The idea of activating the garbage disposal was briefly considered, but It was concluded that grinding this thing up would be pretty gross and there needed to be an extraction. I quickly grabbed the kitchen tongs and secured it by it's hulking carapace. The beating of it's wings vibrated through the tongs as I made my way to the front door.

The moth appeared to regain the ability to fly as I hurled it into the night. Oliver and I crashed back into the couch with a collective sigh of relief. It was over. The beast was slain. Well, not slain but electrocuted multiple times with a AA powered badminton racquet then thrown over a fence. That's my version of what happened. This is likely the moth's...

So I see this light and i'm like, sweet. I head toward it and this fucking attack dog goes bat shit, barking like a goddamn mental patient. THEN, this not-so-bright looking shirtless dude wielding some kinda electrified squash ball racquet comes out of nowhere and starts swingin at me with it! He's yelling, the dog's barking, shit's getting knocked over and all i'm doing is trying to find the door so i can get the fuck out of there. As soon as i get my bearings this asswipe hits me with another 200 volts and the next thing i know i'm in the fucking sink and I cant take off! He's looking at me like I just stuck my dick in his mashed potatoes, grabs me with these giant metal clamps, carries me outside and chucks me into a fucking gate. All i wanted to do was check out a light and they go jihad on me. Worst night ever.