Ernest Takes a Stand

A few years ago I noticed the little red dvd kiosks popping up in grocery stores. No long lines, no zit-faced clerk, just a few buttons, a card swipe and you're outta there. And it's a BUCK a day. Now I park in front of Blockbuster and scoff at the sign, then walk over to the grocery store to get my movies. It is my little FU to the movie rental franchise that extorted an unspeakable amount of money from me in late fees until now. I enjoyed watching the little red box take down the mighty Blockbuster regime.

Last week I discovered my little red box was gone and a big shiny one with tv screens was in it's place. Blockbuster logos plastered all over every inch of it. I felt sick. My $1.00-a-day protest was over. I had to go back to paying The Man (even though it's still just a buck- it's the principle). I rented Clash of the Titans. Huge scorpions and a lady with snakes on her head? Fuckin-A! I wont turn this into a movie review, but it was... bad. Very very bad.

I came back to return it and kick the machine when I noticed it was out of service. How am I supposed to return it?? I shook my fist and screamed "BLOCKBUSTER" (like in Star Trek when Kirk yelled "Khan!"). That did no good. Finally I flagged down a young employee named Jeffrey. Jeffery wasn't mentally disabled per se, but I ventured a guess that his homeroom was a portable. He told me to call the number on the movie box. I did and got the billing stopped, then the person on the phone told me to give the movie to customer service in the store. Needless to say, there was no one at the counter so I had to find Jeffrey. I know this is long but there's a happy ending.

After walking in circles for a while and yanking his underwear out of his buttcrack, he finally said, "I'll just take it". I thought, "Well, i'm not being billed for it anymore, so, Jeffery can open it up and wear it as a hat for all I care. In fact... I should just steal it and stick it to The Man.". The movie really was horrendous and I knew i'd never watch it, so I handed it to Jeffery and bid him farewell. I'm fairly certain that movie is propping up a chicken coop in some third world country right now.

Yesterday, I rented Kick-Ass. Watched it last night and thoroughly enjoyed it. Gritty indie comic with tons of violence and pop-culture references- may not be suitable for all, but it was right in my wheelhouse. When I returned today, the f@#king machine was down again. I called the number and went through the song and dance, same as before. When they told me to give it to customer service, I looked over and of course, no one was there. I even scanned for my boy, Jeff. No love.

At that point i'm thinking, "They can't keep these machines in service and now they're telling me to give their movie to a kid whose most important responsibility is not eating his own nametag. Blockbuster fail. I'm keeping it." and I walked out.

Now who Kicks Ass?

*roll credits*