Man vs. Stomach

I like oyster shots. I don't know of it's the bite of the hot sauce or the bonus vodka but they are good times and I get them when I can. Yesterday we rode to Coaster Saloon in Mission Beach and I saw that they were on special. We were right at the beach on a warm Sunday and I thought, "Yep, gettin one of those bad boys.". What arrived at our table was not the oyster shot I had grown to love. It was an oyster sitting at the bottom of a kamikaze glass filled with warm, watered-down, salty vodka. After inquiring as to why it wasn't a traditional oyster shot in a shot glass with spicy cocktail sauce and parmesan cheese sprinkled on top, the not-so-helpful waitress said, "It's vodka. They put extra in it for you." While this may have been the first time in my life that a little "extra" booze was not a good thing, I agreed to muscle it down as now both the waitress and my wife are staring at me. As the waitress walked away, I decided to show my wife that I was a man and wouldn't be bested by a glass of mushy barnacle meat in hot toilet water.

So I tried it.

It's been a while since i've puked, and even longer since i've puked sober. When that liquid hit my throat, I knew then and there, the streak was over and I was going to projectile vomit across a room full of unsuspecting people who were definitely going to freak out on me. I slammed my mouth shut, swallowed hard and prayed. The contents of my stomach made it halfway up my throat and I thought about running for the door. My eyes filled up with water and my stomach went into a wrenching heave, but I was able to clamp my throat shut and somehow kept everything down. At this point i'm doubled over with tears and snot running down my bright red face and can see my wife looking for an exit strategy. She's asking if i'm ok but I know she's deciding weather or not to flee the scene of the crime if I yack all over the booth which would be awesome because the only thing more embarrassing than vomiting in a bar is doing it while sitting by yourself. After about 30 seconds of fighting my furious stomach and promising God I would rethink atheism if he helped me out, it subsided and I took a breath. Barf record still in tact, I pushed the glass to the other side of the table. When I got the bill, the waitress leaned over and said, “I took the oyster shot off the bill since you didn't finish it.”. How thoughtful of her.