An open letter to the car in front of me...

Go, man. Just go. Forward. Move forward. Don't be scared. You can do it. People do it all the time. There's people doing it all over the city, even now as we sit here. Am I part of some anti-forward protest and I don't know it? Are you sleeping? Are you checking your email? I could have disassembled my car, climbed over yours dragging the parts in my mouth one by one and reassembled it in front of you faster than this. We've been here so long I forgot where I was going. Maybe you are confused about the pedal system on your floorboard. Take a look at this diagram:


Seems like maybe you hate progress. Don't live in the past, man. Take the next step and pull out of this driveway oasis. Don't be afraid of change. If there weren't so many people behind me, I would back out, turn around and drive the opposite direction around the planet. Does sitting in a motionless car burn calories? Are you trying to say I'm fat? Are you waiting for everyone to get to their destination and then pull forward? That is incredibly polite but you are chasing an impossible dream. There will always be cars. You have to select a space in between them and introduce your giant SUV into the flow of traffic. Maybe you could hum the theme from Karate Kid for inspiration. Sometimes you have to sweep the leg. Please go. I tried to move your car through telekinesis, but I think I might have popped a blood vessel in my eye. You know, eventually the rubber in your tires will disintegrate. Then where will you be? I know where you'll be. In front of ME.

When the monkeys take over, I hope they kill you first.