I'm Just Sayin...

I love the holidays

2012-01-01T07:29:00.000-08:00

Ever have the old man / distracted mother / generic moron cut you off or otherwise impede you in the grocery store parking lot, only to have the same idiot recreate the infraction in the grocery store? I feel like they're not doing a very good job of spreading out the misery. I always think- yo, you already got me in the parking lot. This place is packed and there's a guy in produce that is happily selecting a roma tomato, go ruin his day.

Again? Really?? We're still doing this?

2011-11-28T14:09:00.000-08:00

Somebody left a clogged toilet in the bathroom. My suspicions were confirmed when I sheepishly tried to flush it and the race with the devil was on. I cried havoc and grabbed the plunger. It must have sounded like someone having a seizure in a kiddie pool as I plunged harder and the water reached the rim. I managed to dislodge whatever it was (I'm guessing poo and toilet paper judging by the contents of the bowl) in the nick of time. Never looks good when you exit the bathroom sweating and panting like a basset hound. Monday serves up another wonderful experience.

My First Squash

2011-11-02T15:32:00.000-07:00

[ Wife emails grocery list that includes one yellow squash ]

Me (over IM): Do i know what "1 yellow squash" is? i've never bought a squash in my life

Her: Its a yellow thing, should be by the cucumbers

Me: you should be by the cucumbers

Her: !

[ Enter grocery store and collect requested items. Including one yellow squash ]

Cashier (flipping though produce code book): Is this a straight squash or a curved one?

Me: I don't know. It's my first squash. All I know is that It's supposed to be yellow

Cashier (looks up like a lobster just crawled out of my ear): What do you mean?

Me: I haven't ever bought a squash before. This is my first one

Cashier (through broken laughter) wha... what made you finally turn the corner??

Me: The wife wants to eat healthier I guess...

The Cashier continued scanning items and her giggling gradually became laughter. As I grabbed all my bags and headed for the door she waved and yelled "Good luck with your squash, even if it all goes wrong, at least you bought wine too!!" and laughed even harder.

Boyz on Da Piano?

2011-08-29T13:02:00.001-07:00

I think Easy-E's line "Don't quote me boy cause I ain't said shit" comes off as a little paranoid. If he doesn't want to be quoted, why did he agree to make the song and have it widely distributed? Also, in the beginning of the song, Dre asks him to "come off the piano for a minute and bust this crazy shit". Are we to believe that when he wasn't sprayin suckas with his Mac-10, he was playin chopsticks on da piano?

Extreeeeeme!!1

2011-08-03T10:33:00.001-07:00

I wonder what the marketing department at Monster Energy Drinks thought when they started seeing people putting their big-ass "M" logo on their personal trucks / bikes / rec vehicles without receiving a single sponsored dime. I bet there were more than a few high-fives. Prolly at least a couple chest bumps too.

(Yes, i'm aware that's two back window sticker posts in a row. I drive 65 miles round trip everyday. That's a lot of back windows.)

Is that Spaceman Spiff comitting public urination??

2011-07-25T14:17:00.000-07:00

I'm always confused when I see a back window sticker of Calvin pissing on a Ford / Chevy logo. My first thought is, "Huh? We're still doing the Calvin stickers?" and My second thought is, "Huh? People have a proactive truck preference that runs so deep that they must launch a smear campaign against other truck manufacturers... which they also do not own stock in or work for on any relatable level?". Then I usually pass a Denny's and start thinking about destroying my cholesterol with a Moons Over My Hammy.

Pick Two

2011-07-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

By Colin Harman

There. Fixed it. Happy?

2011-07-20T13:51:00.001-07:00

How to get a lazy web designer to fix his code: Public humiliation on a social network.

Comedy Pink

2011-07-20T10:34:00.000-07:00

Sat across the pool from this douchenozzle all day last Sunday. He was wearing super-hilarious over-sized pink novelty sunglasses. All day. Never got old. That's called "committing to the bit", folks. Once I noticed the giant Raiders shield tattoo on his shin, I started looking for the MTV Boiling Point cameras because nobody could get that lucky at selecting things that annoy the everloving shit out of me.

Frankie Says Relapse

2011-07-11T13:40:00.000-07:00

Back in the mid-nineties, I was ~~standing around a keg of beer~~ at the school library discussing the new 70s fashion craze at the time. We mused over how unlikely it was that something like that could happen since the 70s were so... distinct. Someone said, "Wait until the 80s come back!" and we all laughed. Then small voice behind us said, "You know, it's going to happen.". We spun to face a girl on the couch listening to us. Well, we were likely yelling , but she was paying attention nonetheless. We all took a beat and simultaneously began our compelling "Pssshhhhh ohmygod noooo NEVER happen!!" argument. She held her ground. "It will happen. You wait.". After about an hour of similar debate, we dismissed her as being drunk, argumentative or both.

Our platform explained that the 70s craze was a fluke. Yes, the styles were weird, but aside from the disco crap, some of it was a little cool. Jim Morrison was cool, right? But the EIGHTIES?? Flock of Seagulls hair and leopard-print Zubaz?? No way. The 80s were fashion's trip to Vegas. I think everyone knows what happened and we all agreed to delete the pics.

Well dip me in sh!t, slap my ass and call me Big Poppa if that drunk chick wasn't right. They're back. It's like seeing the wildly embarrassing hook-up from last month at a party, and she's hanging all over some other poor, unknowing chump. You want to warn him, but hey, you have to live with the shame. Why shouldn't he? Misery loves company.

Now I gotta find that girl from the couch. I do believe I owe her a bajillion dollars.

Me not believing it could happen only 4 years ago.

National Security Team Photo During Kill Op

2011-05-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

I don't normally get serious on this blog, but I saw this photo today and thought it was compelling enough to share. It's the POTUS and National Security team during Osama kill operation.

Same Name Game

2011-04-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

Arrived at my Dr. appt a little early this morning, signed-in and sat down. To my surprise, they called my name right on time. I walked up and started the insurance card song-and-dance. As i'm doing this, I notice a very tall and very old man looming over my right shoulder. The nurse saw me jump a little when I discovered him and asked if she could help him.

Fart: Yeah! You called my name!
Nurse: Oh, we meant this gentleman (nods at me). You have the same first names.
Fart: Yeah, that's my name too!
Nurse: Sir, we'll be right with you if you want to have a seat
Fart: (now staring down at me about 8 inches off my right ear) You got a lot of nerve!
Me: She meant me. I have a 9:20 appointment. It's 9:20.
Fart: Who do you think you are??
Me: A guy with the same first name as you. And an appointment to be in this exact space and time.

By this time the whole room is watching and I can hear giggling. He didn't budge from his prosecution stand, so I happily filled out all my paperwork with this buzzard on my shoulder. When I sat down, the one-man staring contest continued from across the room while I played tetris on my phone.

Kids these days with their video games and fancy appointments.

Angry Cupcake

2011-03-04T12:03:00.000-08:00

2-parter cause they're too long for facebook and too short to stand alone

Angry
*phone rings at coworkers desk. No answer, immediately rings at my desk*
No, I don't know where Mike is. It's not my turn to follow him around the office today and wait for your call so I can send up a flare and update the Tactical Mike Map.

Possible places Mike could be:

Someone elses office
Getting coffee
Taking a shit
Eating lunch
Blogging about an annoying coworker
Traveling
Doing somersaults in the parking lot
Hanging from the ceiling like a fruit bat
Timeshare seminar
Running from a swarm of bees in the shape of an arrow
Anywhere but his f@#king desk

Hopefully he's interviewing for your job so I don't have to answer the phone all day and tell you I don't know where he is.

Cupcake
The chick that works the deli counter at Vons has a fairly large cupcake tattoo on her forearm. It's not in a sea of other pastry ink, it's a solitary cupcake. Normal looking girl with no other visible tats. She's always busy and doesn't seem overly friendly, otherwise I would ask, "Hey, what's with the cupcake?". Plus I don't want to be the 200th lame-ass customer to ask her about it. Sadly, I may never know. *Bites into sandwich and pickle falls out*

Jimmy No Nuts

2011-02-08T15:23:00.000-08:00

I was just munching on some delicious almonds when I remembered a story from when I was a little kid that made me choke on said nuts. I've all but ceased any real productivity today, and it's been a while since I blogged...

This is an all too familiar case of an overprotective parent putting their child directly in harms way. Must have been third.. or fourth... how old are kids in fourth grade?... I have no gauge of kids' ages, just know that I still had a lunchbox, but had moved from G.I. Joes to Legos. I know- ha ha- I 'probably still play with legos'. Shut up, i'm telling a story. Even if that might be true.

What I do remember about that age was that you had to be a moving target. The boys were mean and the girls were meaner. You kept your head down and flew under the radar if you wanted to survive the day. It was a lot like walking through the Savannah (yeah- like i would know), you were probably ok moving through as long as nothing was particularly hungry, but the last thing you want to do is attract unnecessary attention and allow the predators to ponder their appetite.

One of the kids that had moved into an adjacent neighborhood over the summer was starting at our school one morning. The only thing I knew about him was that he had eaten peanuts at Scott Peery's pool and had an allergic reaction. We thought it was funny, but his mom freaked out. So much that as she was sending her defenseless, hypoallergenic boy off to the first day of a new school, she decided to take a precaution.

This kid came bouncing off the big yellow bus with this precaution written across his shirt in black electrical tape: "WARNING: NO NUTS"

Gone in Zero Seconds

2011-01-03T10:09:00.000-08:00

I'd like to take a moment today to thank the fuckwad that tried to steal my truck 3 days before Christmas.

Thanks, fuckwad.

This time of year is IDEAL for me to have to shell out $300 to get my ignition replaced because you jammed a pocket knife into it and broke off the end. Thanks for that. By the way- EXCELLENT plan. Everyone knows you can boost a car with a cheap fucking pocket knife. Oh- and since you punched out the doorlock preventing me from ever locking my door, please feel free to hang out in there and enjoy some delicious crystal meth anytime you like. Just make sure you remember to empty my glovebox onto the floor again. That was a delightful added bonus. Hope those 14 Tic Tacs and my Jiffy Lube receipt from 2007 made your Holidays brighter.

Possum on a Gum Bush

2010-12-01T12:11:00.000-08:00

Opportunities to recreate a childhood fantasy do not come along often. For about 14 seconds I had convinced myself to Bo-and-Luke this. The damage to my truck, possibility of killing a Cal Trans worker with the ensuing jail time and the fact that i'm pretty sure that's a fuel truck in the landing zone told me to just go back to work. No Carpe Diem for me this time.

It's log, it's log, it's better than bad, it's good!

2010-11-17T15:39:00.000-08:00

What exactly is the thought process behind leaving a log in the bowl? Is it conservation? "Save water, Do not flush until bowl is brimming with shit.". Is it pride? "That is the most perfect turd my ass has ever created. It would be irresponsible to hide it from the world.". Is it a preventative measure? "Do not drink, this bowl of water is for poo, see?". Is it amnesia? "Where am I? Is this bowl of shit supposed to be here?". Protest? "Look at this dookie and you'll know how I feel about society.". Paranoia? "If I flush this down, they can trace my DNA from the sewers and know I took a dump.". Or is it pure apathy? "I could pull that little metal lever so the next person doesn't have to look at my defecated breakfast.... fuck it. Seems like a hassle."

Rubber Thor

2010-10-08T15:12:00.000-07:00

So- I was paddling through the nerdy waters of the interweb ocean today, hoping to find set pics from the new Thor movie that is in post-production. Not much luck, but I found this conceptual art at Collider. No clue if it's legit. As usual and against my will, I started reading the comments. I don't know why I do this- it's all nerd-rage and displaced hostility fueled by Mountain Dew and Cool Ranch Doritos, but I can't help it. This was a comment that gave me the lols (yes, I did that on purpose). It's a response to someone who said his armor looks "rubbery".

I honestly can't understand how some people will totally buy the concept of an alien god coming to earth and teaming up with a man in a robot suit and a WW2 vet who has been frozen in ice for 60 years to fight a monster made of Edward Norton and radiation, but who just draws the line at "rubbery" armor?

Update 12/13: they just released the official movie poster for anyone who gives a squirt of piss which i'm betting is only Chris Hemsworth's mother and me.

The "Aden" Outbreak

2010-09-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

What happened in 2005 that made every pregnant woman in America come to the conclusion that from here on out, every child's name must end in "aden"? Jaden, Kaden, Aiden, fucking Chewbacca. Was there some dreamy reality star that I wasn't aware of named "KadenJadenAdenChewbacca" in 2005? I know this will not be a popular rant because EVERY chick I know has a child, or a friend with a child named KadenJadenAdenChewbacca, but fuck it. It pisses me off for reasons that are not clear (possibly low blood sugar) and I get to bitch about whatever I want. Don't you dizzy broads realize that if every single kid on the playground is named KadenJadenAden, IT'S NO LONGER ORIGINAL!! Can you even imagine the chaos that will ensue on the soccer field when the coach calls "UndecipherableADEN! Get in the game!" 14 kids run on the field and you all get disqualified. Nice job, ladies. Your hive-minded naming convention ruined team sports for your kids.

Update 5/11: Vindication

La Plama?

2010-08-31T13:27:00.000-07:00

I dashed out the door with my messenger bag late for work this morning, only to find an older hispanic guy in a gardening outfit standing motionless on the lawn and staring at me. I realized the dog probably scared the crap out of him when he rushed the screen door a few minutes earlier. Apparently my dog is a screaming racist. I made an attempt to submit an "oh hey- sorry". Then he said something and started toward me. I was thinking, "uhhhh, dude- the dog didn't get out, you're fine."

Me: Yeah, hey, what's up.

Him: *points near top of trees on side of house* la plama

Me: huh, *I turn and squint into the sun looking up*

Him: La plama

Me: I don't, what are we looking at here?

Him: *points again* La plama

Me: I... a bird? Am I looking for a bird? All I see is trees. I gotta go to work, man.

Him: My frien, La Plama

Me: Dude, I dont see this La Plama you speak of... Not calling you a liar, i'm sure you see it... is it a frisbee??

Him: *this goes on for a while until he reaches into pocket and pulls out landscaping business card* My Frien, cut la plama.

He was asking if I wanted him to trim the palm trees on the side of our house. I was staring at the "Plama" the whole time. I don't think i've ever felt more like an impatient, stuffy white guy in my life. In my defense he was mispronouncing a word in his own language- probably in an effort to translate it. I took his card and said thanks. So now I have a 'Palmera' guy.

Ernest Takes a Stand

2010-08-19T15:19:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I noticed the little red dvd kiosks popping up in grocery stores. No long lines, no zit-faced clerk, just a few buttons, a card swipe and you're outta there. And it's a BUCK a day. Now I park in front of Blockbuster and scoff at the sign, then walk over to the grocery store to get my movies. It is my little FU to the movie rental franchise that extorted an unspeakable amount of money from me in late fees until now. I enjoyed watching the little red box take down the mighty Blockbuster regime.

Last week I discovered my little red box was gone and a big shiny one with tv screens was in it's place. Blockbuster logos plastered all over every inch of it. I felt sick. My $1.00-a-day protest was over. I had to go back to paying The Man (even though it's still just a buck- it's the principle). I rented Clash of the Titans. Huge scorpions and a lady with snakes on her head? Fuckin-A! I wont turn this into a movie review, but it was... bad. Very very bad.

I came back to return it and kick the machine when I noticed it was out of service. How am I supposed to return it?? I shook my fist and screamed "BLOCKBUSTER" (like in Star Trek when Kirk yelled "Khan!"). That did no good. Finally I flagged down a young employee named Jeffrey. Jeffery wasn't mentally disabled per se, but I ventured a guess that his homeroom was a portable. He told me to call the number on the movie box. I did and got the billing stopped, then the person on the phone told me to give the movie to customer service in the store. Needless to say, there was no one at the counter so I had to find Jeffrey. I know this is long but there's a happy ending.

After walking in circles for a while and yanking his underwear out of his buttcrack, he finally said, "I'll just take it". I thought, "Well, i'm not being billed for it anymore, so, Jeffery can open it up and wear it as a hat for all I care. In fact... I should just steal it and stick it to The Man.". The movie really was horrendous and I knew i'd never watch it, so I handed it to Jeffery and bid him farewell. I'm fairly certain that movie is propping up a chicken coop in some third world country right now.

Yesterday, I rented Kick-Ass. Watched it last night and thoroughly enjoyed it. Gritty indie comic with tons of violence and pop-culture references- may not be suitable for all, but it was right in my wheelhouse. When I returned today, the f@#king machine was down again. I called the number and went through the song and dance, same as before. When they told me to give it to customer service, I looked over and of course, no one was there. I even scanned for my boy, Jeff. No love.

At that point i'm thinking, "They can't keep these machines in service and now they're telling me to give their movie to a kid whose most important responsibility is not eating his own nametag. Blockbuster fail. I'm keeping it." and I walked out.

Now who Kicks Ass?

*roll credits*

The Soup Fiasco

2010-08-03T14:14:00.000-07:00

I know I bitch about insignificant shit a lot on this blog... and this is one of those times.

I went to Vons today to get lunch and dinner supplies. I passed the little soup island and thought... "I'm not really that hungry, and the soup here is pretty good.". "SOUP FOR LUNCH!", I declared as I thrust a finger in the air. I selected a little paper to-go bowl and ladled some of the molten lava into it. As I dropped the little plastic lid on it, I noticed it went on without that little reassuring snap. I picked it up and sure enough, it popped off and I received what had to be a first degree burn. Having a high threshhold for pain and lots of experience injuring myself in front of large crowds with as much grace as possible, I took the burn with a bite on the lip and a whispered "fuuuuuuuuuck". I finished shopping and arrived at the checkstand. This is where things generally go south for me. As I was swiping my club card and having completely forgotten about the lid, the teenage checkout girl yelped. I looked down and she had slid the bowl over the laser sensor and spilled some of it. She was staring at me with eyes as big as saucers.

Girl: I burned my hand!

Me: Oh, no. Sorry, yeah- i tried to get that lid on as tight as I could. It won't snap down.

Girl: I totally burned my hand!

Me: ... I know, I did too... sorry, I should've said something. You ok?

Girl: That's really hot!

Me: Yeah- tell me about it.

Girl: I need a paper towel!

and so on

Now at this point she's pretty much openly blaming me. I'm thinking, "Listen, bimbo, I am not a Vons paper bowl lid engineer, I don't control the temperature of anything, I don't even work here, AND I got burned too. Calm down.". After some scrambling to find paper towels and applying a field burn treatment, she was able muster some courage and finish checking me out. Although everyone in the store was giving me the stink-eye for being the monster that threw acid on an innocent teenage girl.

You, Me and a T-800

2010-07-29T12:25:00.000-07:00

A coworker of mine just skyped me a Reddit link that tickled me pink. Well, I was already pink, but it made me laugh. Cliffnotes: A guy posted something about getting super-baked and writing in a notebook, like a stoner journal. Dumb idea if you ask me because I think every thought I have when i'm baked is a stroke of pure jeenyus, but I digress. This is one of the comments:

ThePowerOfEarth writes:
I definitely do this. I have a note in my blackberry that I regularly add to when i have ideas for commercials or sitcoms or just funny stoner things. Thats where I wrote down my idea for a Terminator sitcom called You, Me and a T-800. It would be a show that was the same story (basically) of the original Terminator except as a sitcom where Kyle Reese, Sarah Connor and a T-800 (obviously pretending to be a person) share a studio apartment. And instead of the terminator trying to kill Sarah Connor to prevent John Connor from being born, he just tries to cockblock Kyle Reese constantly so John can't be born. And he goes about it in really quirky hilarious ways.

I don't know a single person that wouldn't watch this show. Except my wife. And most of her friends. Ok, I don't know a single guy that wouldn't watch this.

Kook Attacked by Great White Shark

2010-07-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

In 2007, a $120,000 sculpture called "Magic Carpet Ride" was commissioned by the Cardiff Botanical Society and placed on the coastal break of Cardiff By the Sea in San Diego. It was immediately rejected and mocked by the locals because of the improbable and effeminate position the surfer was in and fell under incessant criticism. The bronze statue was photographed on several occasions wearing tutus, bikinis and tennis outfits. It is aptly and unaffectionately known as the "Cardiff Kook".

Last week, several people noticed a paper mache dorsal fin across the street from where the statue is located. Every day, the fin got closer to the statue and locals paid no mind. On Saturday night, the locals got their wish, the Kook was attacked by what appears to be a Great White shark. The authorities have stated that the statue is unharmed, but all the photographs I have seen show the shark swallowing the surfer whole. While the validity of the statue remains unresolved, I think we can all agree that not even kooks deserve such a tragic end.

The Font Police

2010-07-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

HA! Saw this on Gizmodo and had me a larf. Couldn't agree more.

Surfer Don't

2010-06-30T15:13:00.001-07:00

During a conversation today about what a shitty actor Matthew McConaughey is, someone brought up Surfer Dude. I vaguely remember it being released a couple years ago and since my Netflix queue is getting pretty desperate, I hit up Rotten Tomatoes to see how it did. I mean, it's about surfing. I like that. Matthew McConaughey has been tolerable a few times. How bad could it really be?

yikes

A List of Things I Would Rather be Doing Other Than Watching World Cup Soccer

2010-06-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

Debating Healthcare Reform with a potted ficus
Memorizing Joran Van Der Sloot's wikipedia page
Staring at the sun
Inventing new mediums for the cranberry
Watching any other sport that happened to be on tv (including womans basketball just to prove a point)
Searching, viewing and commenting on all the youtube results for "groin" and "trauma"
Cleaning dead moths out of the porch light
Baking fruitcake
Baking fruitcake with some of the dead moths in it and bringing to work
Figuring out if my phone number spells anything dirty
Packing and unpacking for a vacation I don't have
Teaching my dog to pee in the same spots on the lawn until the dead grass reads "Help My Owner Beats Me"
Learning Perl
Making lists of things I would rather be doing other than watching World Cup Soccer

Beware of Dog

2010-05-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

Moving into a new place always presents new opportunities and new challenges. Moving into a new condo with a territorial and neurotic dog is just challenging. Our front door now opens up onto a green garden with a little foot path and a very low amount of traffic consisting of our new neighbors. We've noticed fewer and fewer neighbors walking by as of late. We suspect they are walking all the way around the building to avoid the 25lbs. rabid badger living behind our screen door. Jenny calls it an "alarm bark". If that's the case, we need to get into talks with the good people at Brinks because we could leave a palate of gold bars on our living room table and I doubt anyone would have the balls to go for it (I would like to insert here that our dog is a pug / beagle mix and is afraid of cats on the sidewalk. Ton of bark, zero bite). We've been here about a week and gotten braver about leaving the front door open with the screen closed while using Jenny's training techniques to help bring peace to this once tranquil pathway. These people shouldn't have to live in fear.

We got home last Friday at about the same time. Jenny went for the shower and I went for the dishes. I was standing in the kitchen in plain view of the front screen, knowing we would be fine because the dog typically guards the bathroom door and wouldn't see any harmless victims walk by.

Just as long as no one bangs on the screen and yells "Knock Knock!".

Out of the corner of my eye, I see movement. I spin to witness an adolescent kid charging the screen door with an armload of what I imagine to be items available for purchase to help a worthy cause. My eyes went wide as his balled fist went into knocking position and he flashed a toothy grin. It was too late, there was nothing I could do to warn him. The missile keys were turned.

"KNOCK KNOCK!!"

I dropped the pot I was washing and immediately went into containment mode. I got to the hallway just in time to see a blur of flapping ears and lips fly around the corner and head for the door at breakneck speed and full volume. The screen door has bars on it, but that didn't stop the kid from flying backward like he'd been hit by a smartcar full of candy bars. When I got to the door, and attempted to peel the animal off the screen, I yelled that I was sorry over the maniacal barking. I felt bad as he dusted himself off and collected his worthy-cause candy bars from the lawn. I expected to be put on some kind of anti door-to-door salesman watchlist, but to my shock- the kid secured his cargo, started towards the door and began shouting his sales pitch.

I yelled, "DUDE- don't need any candy- thanks!!" as i wrestled the the escaped mental patient to the ground. He smiled confidently, waved thank you and politely made his way to the next door.

After all the dust was settled and the dog was subdued, I got a little angry at this kid for disrupting my evening, but the fact that he looked into the eye of the beast and it didn't shake his game was admirable. This cat wanted to sell some candy bars and had the moxie to face the neighborhood bully to do it. Sales managers of the world- watch for this guy. He's going places.

Got Sand?

2010-05-24T11:55:00.001-07:00

When I first saw the Got Milk campaign I was impressed. As a student of marketing, a novice advertising analyst and general consumer, I recognized it as a very clever idea. It was funny and did a brilliant job of product promotion. A quick Google search explains that the campaign was created by the advertising agency Goodby Silverstein & Partners in 1993 and if given the opportunity I would love to buy them all a big 'ole glass of soy milk as i'm sure they're all ironically lactose intolerant.

As with all things creative and in the public spotlight, it was almost immediately bastardized by every moron on the planet in an attempt to piggyback the idea. Got Lamps? Got Office Supplies?, Got Medical Waste?, Where's the Beef?... you get the point. We've endured 17 years of this stupid and uncreative bullshit. How is it I am still sitting in traffic, stuck behind an unnecessarily modified off-road vehicle with a "Got Sand?" sticker plastered across the back window?? That sticker didn't make sense in 1993... how are they still getting produced, purchased and applied?? Got Sand?? Yes- I got sand. What do you want to do with it? Drive around in it? How much sand do you require me to possess? Where would you like my sand delivered? Hey- know what's the most abundant substance on this planet? FUCKING SAND!!! Having sand is not a problem for anyone else in the world.. I would argue that "Good Christ, I Wish There Wasn't So Much Goddamn Sand Here" would be a much more popular sticker if properly marketed on a global scale.

Got Sand. Got a Less Original Idea for a Sticker? I don't know who I blame more- the people who think it's a good idea to produce these stupid stickers or the people that actually buy them. The next time you see one- notice that's it's off center because Pabst Blue Ribbon mixed with a little inbreeding causes balance and alignment problems.

3 things I learned at this morning's check-up

2010-04-28T12:51:00.000-07:00

1. Blood pressure machines make my blood pressure skyrocket. Add that one to your list, Alanis.

2. When EKG electrodes don't stick to your chest, sometimes nurses tape them down with industrial strength tape. Tape that goes down must come up. Farewell patch of chest hair.

3. It is very difficult to trust the same nurse who just pulled a chop job on the manscape to find a vein when drawing blood on the first try. Welcome back, blood pressure.

Steve Wants to Trade

2010-04-01T15:04:00.000-07:00

Steve S. from San Diego wants to trade tattoo work for the items you put up for sale on Craigslist. I know this because everytime I post something, I get a response from him. Vacuum cleaners, beach cruisers, jewelry... evidently the only thing he doesn't need is a tattoo gun. Last week I posted an ad for a TV:

32in flat-screen (not flat-panel) Sony TV with wood entertainment unit available. Asking $200, and no, we don't want to trade for tattoo work.

Response from Steve:

Was wondering if you might be willing to trade for some professional tattoo work? I am willing to trade you for MORE than your asking price... get back at me.. lets see if we can work something out..

Counter-response:

Steve...not to be a dick, but did you read my listing? I specifically said I don't want to trade for tattoo work. Do you think I put that in there because I don't have or want tattoos? No. Do you think I put that on there because everytime I post something for sale on craigslist, i get 35 tattoo artists bugging me to trade for ink? No. It's you, man. You are the reason I put that little clause in there. Everytime I've posted something in the San Diego area, I get your little request to trade for tattoo work.

I get it, you need work to build up your book so you can start your own shop, I can dig it and good luck, but let me give you a little piece of advice, trolling craigslist all day and responding to every post that pops up without reading it is not a good plan. #1, you're pissing everyone off and #2, what caliber of clientele do you think you're going to target? Who do you think wants to trade a broken thighmaster for some prison tats? Hope you are comfortable around crystal meth (although maintaining the stamina it would take to respond to every single ad on craigslist leads me to believe you might be).

Listen, hit up some local ink shops and ask to sweep the floors or pass out flyers at the beach but stop this. Just stop it.

Earbud Commute

2010-03-30T15:49:00.000-07:00

I wear earbuds when I commute. I know it's illegal but so is snapping in traffic and putting a minivan into the wall. Podcasts keep my mind off the road which is actually safer for everyone.

That being said, no one wants a chickenshit ticket and I commute through the nexus of the chickenshit ticket universe. Because of this, I have developed a way of getting my earbuds out if a cop pulls up behind me without any upper body movement. They look for twitchy arm movements, so I grab the cord in my lap and yank them out of my ears. It kinda hurts, but it works. Haven't gotten a ticket yet, but I realized something today... if the person in front of me happens to look in their mirror as I do this, all they see is a motionless driver with earbuds flying out of his head. It must look like I rock so hard that I don't even notice my ipod exploding out of my dome.

Man, I wish I still rocked that hard.

The Fake Baby Store

2010-03-22T13:07:00.000-07:00

I had a conference call this morning with a woman that runs a company that sells life-like baby dolls. She calls them "Reborn Dolls". They look like human children. Feel free to google that, but I will not link her website because A. I don't want to get fired and B. I value my readers and showing you guys these things would understandably force you to delete my bookmark. Here is an unfinished list of things that bothered me about that phone call:

1. Woman was German. Yes, they build great sports cars, but let's just say they are also notoriously into some pretty weird shit. Pun very much intended.

2. One of the things she stressed was that she needs to be able to retain her repeat customers. REPEAT CUSTOMERS?? People are wearing out fake babies like a pair of Reeboks???

3. She wants to feature little stands that anchor into grass so the plastic kids look like they're playing on your lawn. The cost of the therapy to bring me back from walking past that front yard would almost be worth a video of my reaction.

4. Why? Just... why?

5. She purchased the biggest website package we offer which means her business is doing very well which means people are buying these f@#king things!!

When all is said and done, I guess if whatever people are doing with fake babies isn't happening to actual human babies, then it's a win for everyone. Oh, by the way, her homepage features a video of how to assemble your infant. It starts out with a disassembled baby. The torso has little nipples. It's way too early in the week for this shit.

01 Call Missed

2010-03-11T12:33:00.000-08:00

When i was 18, I enlisted in the US Army. I guess I don't really need to say "US" Army because i'm obviously not enlisting the Roman Army, but I digress... After I took my physical and ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery) test, they told me I qualified for EOD Tech School. Bomb disposal. At first I was a little disappointed because I figured that meant I was about as smart as a monkey wearing a football helmet and banging on a warhead with a tack hammer, but I looked into it and those guys do some pretty intense shit. I was promptly booted off the bus when they found out I lied on my application about not having asthma as a child, but it makes me wonder if I would still be around had that not happened. They told me 1 in 10 IEDs go off during diffusal. After watching the Hurt Locker, I started thinking about it again and remembered seeing this photo from the beginning of the Iraqi conflict:

If you've seen the movie then you know what this is. Pretty fucking scary. Some dude with a 5th grade education sat in a dirty cement shack and managed to wire this cell phone to trigger an IED. I mean- he probably knew more about electronics than your average Circuit City technician. I say "knew" because I assume eventually all these guys go out doing what they do. Just seems like displaced motivation. He could be replacing motherboards or refurbishing blackberries that people dropped in uninals, but nope. Gonna blow people up. I don't get it.

I believe you have my stapler

2010-03-02T16:25:00.000-08:00

After conferring with my brain-trust*, it has been determined that my blog should not be split into angry writings and angry cartoons, so I'm resurrecting one I started in 2005 when my "Art Director" at the time found out I already had one, thereby putting an end to me bitching about her on it for fear of losing a job I deeply hated.

In the spirit of complaining about the workplace, I give you
My Red Swingline.

* Bill, Jenny, 2 feral cats and a homeless guy

Round Mound of Bag Boy

2010-02-25T15:35:00.000-08:00

"Do you need help out with these?"

I know they have to ask everyone so I let it slide when the 84lbs acne-covered kid with the leg brace implies I need his help carrying a box of pasta and a light bulb, but what really pisses me off is after I tell them "No thanks", they suddenly turn into Charles Barkley and box me out against the change dispenser, effectively sealing me off from reaching my bags without climbing over their back like some weird attempt at a cheerleader pyramid. It's like "Do you want help with these" is grocery store slang for "You want to look like a pussy letting a high school kid carry your groceries or do you want to look like a pedophile monkey backpack swiping at your bags in front of everyone in line?".

If you want to "help me out with these", how bout getting the F@#K out of my way so I can get to them and the movie kiosk before all the copies of New Moon are gone. I mean Gamer.

Back to School Ad

2010-02-19T11:01:00.000-08:00

Opened my hotmail this morning and this was an ad in the sidebar of my inbox. As you may know, I am cursed with uncontrollable over-analyzation of advertising. Why did they choose this picture for a student loan ad?? What is the message supposed to be?? A few possibilities:

This crazy-ass old man will whip you with a hickory switch until you agree to go back to school
Behold the grim face of under-education.
Enroll in The Bridge Troll Academy today!
This is Grant. He will loan you college tuition in exchange for "foot rubs" and discretion.
You want to end up looking like a deranged vampire owl??? Go back to school!!

I'm the Map!

2010-02-12T14:47:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about maps today. Remember maps? See kids, back in the day if you were given a driving destination in an unfamiliar city, you had to find a gas station, get out of your car and buy a map. Then you had to unfold this massive and needlessly complicated bastard (never to get it folded right again) and trace the path with your finger. This was often done while screaming down an unfamiliar highway and trying to find the local FM rock station. If you were lucky enough to find the street you needed, the chances that you would also locate the address was slim to none. At this point, you had to (are you sitting down?) find some change, get out of the car, find a payphone and call for directions. It was the Wild West, man.

Now-a-days if i'm forced to locate a pen because the computer i'm on doesn't have a printer to print out the mapquest directions and I have to physically write them down, I throw my hands up in outrage, fall to my knees and scream for my civil liberties.

Workplace Communication 101

2010-01-14T15:54:00.000-08:00

Red Flag Web Design Client #113

2009-12-31T15:22:00.000-08:00

new project?

2009-12-31T15:18:00.000-08:00

Snuggie Beef

2009-12-23T12:21:00.000-08:00

Much like all the other electronic devices in my life, my DVR is officially fried. Keeps freezing and crashing. The only way to watch it is to avoid fast-forwarding or rewinding which is the whole point of having a DVR. Needless to say, i've been forced to watch commercials for the first time in years and I feel like a caveman.

At the risk of getting too Seinfeld, what's the deal with the Snuggie? How long have these things been around? I'm all for crashing out on the couch with a blanket or something, but is this thing really necessary? Are people really too inconvenienced by an armless blanket that these ridiculous things are selling well enough to warrant commercial time on network TV??

I'll tell you what sent me over the edge with the Snuggie; In the commercial, they show various places they suggest wearing this stupid thing, and one of them is a sporting event. A Snuggie at a professional ball game will likely just serve as an empty beer cup target, but it looks like they are at a kids game. What sick son-of-a-bitch would wear a Snuggie at their child's sporting event? Don't kids have enough trouble avoiding peer abuse without you showing up to the quarterfinals in a purple Merlin costume and screaming like a lunatic?

The problem is that most fathers would instinctively know that this is a death sentence for their kid, but if you see something enough, you begin to think it's ok. Repetition is how marketing works. I know the people in the Snuggie advertising department are just trying to move their product, but come on. At what price?? An innocent child's fruit of the looms??? How many wedgies are an acceptable amount for you to justify what you're doing? That is irresponsible advertising and you should be as ashamed as the kids with their heads jammed in the toilet because of your own corporate greed.

The Steves Drink Responsibly

2009-12-11T15:41:00.000-08:00

This is a Daily Show segment from 2001 about responsible drinking. While discussing it at lunch today, it became clear that not everyone has seen it. Everyone should see it. If you've seen it, see it again.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Drink Responsibly

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

An Open Letter to the Guy Who Wrote the Virus that Killed my Computer,

2009-12-08T12:22:00.000-08:00

I hope your balls get caught in a large piece of machinery in front of several women that you are sexually interested in and they laugh and point as you scream for the sweet release of death which you're hoping comes in the form of a heart attack due to the massive amount of pain you're experiencing, but your heart is strong from the lack of overuse that comes with living in your parent's basement writing malicious software, so you continue to scream in agony while the women take cellphone videos of you and put them on youtube where everyone you've ever known sees them because ironically they go VIRAL.

Dick.

For my design peeps...

2009-11-25T18:51:00.000-08:00

Ran across a couple examples of abused designers speaking up recently. It fills me with joy to see my brethren firing back at greedy and delusional clients. (back stories after jump)

Friday Night Lites

2009-11-23T12:32:00.000-08:00

The Scene: Friday night, PB Ale House, approximately 6pm PST.

We walk into a fairly busy Aloha Friday for cheap fish tacos and cold Primos. We secure our usual table and are immediately made aware of 4 extremely drunk guys at the end of the bar and right in front of us. Upon quick survey, we notice they are wearing pub crawl shirts with all the bars checked off and a few written in with sharpies at the bottom (not including the bar they are currently in which means they are no longer counting). We found the following events worth sharing.

Event #1 The Fall of Odem
The drunkest of the guys is named Odem. This information was made very public to everyone in the bar as his name was screamed the most and at the highest volume. Odem is seated right behind Jenny at the bar. Odem is hammered. He has his feet on the bar and is leaning the tall bar chair back at about a 35 degree angle, telling a very animated story that requires quite a bit of upper body movement. I am thinking, "Yeah. Odem is going down for sure." I tell Jenny to brace herself. She adjusts in her seat and looks worried. Part of me wants to prevent the disaster and part of me wants to watch this idiot fall. Not 30 seconds later BAM. Odem is down. Odem went down hard. The second drunkest guy immediately turns into a paramedic / grief counselor / AA Sponsor / Bar Security. Odem does not appear to be seriously hurt, but he does not look well. 2nd Drunkest guy pounds the bar and demands water like an ER surgeon screaming for a pint of blood. We are amused.

Event #2 Odem Hates the Steelers.
Odem has been reseated at the bar and appears to be in some kind of pub crawl timeout. No one is talking to him and they will no longer serve him. Odem manages to focus on the tv in front of him. He sees the Pittsburgh Steelers. Odem hates the Steelers. He verbalizes this by shouting "FUCK THE STEELERS!" while pointing at the tv. On this subject, Odem and I are in agreement as the Steelers beat San Diego in October and like a good football fan, I hold grudges. The only problem with Odem's proclamation is that he's watching the 1998 49ers-Packers Wildcard game on ESPN Classic.

Event #3 Odem's Phone
Upon his release from timeout, Odem makes his way to his friends and rejoins the yelling contest. One of the bartenders notices an iphone on the bar where our hero was seated. She lights up the screen in hopes the owner's identity will be revealed. After word gets to Odem through a very drunken game of telephone, he makes a serpentine path back to the bar.

Bartender: Is this your phone?
Odem: No! That's MY phone!
Bartender: Yeah that's what I asked
Odem: *snatches phone and squints to read screen* Who were you calling!?!
Bartender: ...No one. *walks away*

Odem holds his phone at shoulder level and returns to his friends with zero understanding of the events that just transpired.

As the night went on, we enjoyed our tacos and toggled between the 49ers-Packers and The Odem Show, including a lively attempt at a plate of wings that resulted in one of his friends yelling, "Odem.. no one is going to take you seriously with all that shit on your face!". The only thing that we found troubling was that through the drunken screaming and after spotting some military apparel, it was revealed that these guys were either chopper mechanics or pilots. Drunk driving is dangerous, but imagine the damage a badly hungover and probably concussed Odem could do with a fully-loaded Blackhawk. I hope he had the weekend off.

Steve Knows His Rights

2009-11-17T17:41:00.000-08:00

When he yelled what he yelled after getting tased, I nearly followed suit. It's safe for work, but not if you shouldn't be laughing at your desk.

*spolier*
Put aside the fact that he's getting a DUI on a lawnmower- what kind of rocks does it take to scream "I KNOW MY RIGHTS!!" while sporting a fresh pantload of hot dook. This man is my hero.

Deer Killed After Jump into Zoo's Lion Den

2009-11-16T16:41:00.000-08:00

I would post the video but all you have to do is google "baby deer vs. lions" and you'll find it. The deer ends up getting away, but dies later from fatal wounds inflicted during the attack. The best part of the video is all the morons barking instructions at the deer which is priceless.
He must have really wanted out of his enclosure, but talk about immediately regretting a decision.

Deer: I gotta get out of this place. I think I can make it over that wall. What's the worst thing that could be on the other side? Couple goats? A lemur? I'm going for it.

*Jumps over wall*

Deer: ...F@#K!! LIONS!.

Lion 1: is that... am I hallucinating? Did our natural prey just jump into our enclosure?

Lion 2: Best... Sunday... Ever...

Stupid or Douchebag?

2009-11-10T15:48:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday we hopped on the beach cruisers and took the bay down to PB Ale House to watch the Chargers narrowly defeat the Giants. We ride along at a pretty good click when the path opens up and have to keep our heads on a swivel in case mindless tourons wobble out in front of us. As per usual, one did and I called out the customary "Heads Up!". It was a kid on a mountain bike who's father had pushed him into the path traffic without looking either way. My warning was firm but not impolite. The father immediately pulled the kid to the side an yelled, "Watch out for the Raider fan, Joey!" This would have been fine if I was wearing black warpaint and shoulderpads with foam spikes, but we were both decked from head to toe in Charger Blue and Gold.

Here's where Stupid or Douchbag comes into play.

1. Stupid: Really? You take the time to note that you recognize me as a football fan but you don't know the teams so you yell the first one that comes into your peanut-shaped head.

2. Douchbag: You do know the teams and are acutely aware of the stereotype that Raider fans are all assholes, so you take a shot at me for correcting your horrible job as a parent by clearing your snotnose kid off the busy path so he doesn't get T-boned by some chick on rollerblades who's going for the world landspeed record while playing Mafia Wars on her Blackberry.

Stupid Douchebag. I feel better.

Dear Von's Security Liquor Top Engineer,

2009-10-27T19:54:00.000-07:00

Nice try. Apparently your intricate plastic anti-theft device is no match for a boy, a screwdriver, a negligent checkout clerk and a dream. Sure, I annoyed my wife in the livingroom to no end with the incessant banging and the stream of explatives was likely scaring my dog, but I won. I win. *sip* I will not drive back to the store! i WILL NOT BUY MORE EXPENSIVE BOOZE AT THE CORNER SHOP! I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF YOUR FLIMSY ATTEMPT TO KEEP ME OUT! MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!

...actually... while writing this, I realized that the device is more likely designed to keep people from removing it within the store because it contained a magnetic sensor (which clearly didn't work). Not for a guy at home with access to tools. Whatever. I still win. *sip*

Bro, it's called Craigslist.

2009-10-15T17:46:00.001-07:00

Thanks for your interest in buying my ride, Big Len, but what's up with underlining "AS IS". You're basically saying, "Make no attempt to improve the quality of this truck. I want it in the shitty condition it is now!". How bout I hit a few mailboxes and sew dead squirrels into the interior? How much would you want it then? I could drive it into a body of stagnate water and encourage ducks to crap on the dash, how bout that? How much more "as is" would you like? What about letting homeless people use it as a studio apartment / port-a-potty?

All it needs is a wash, man. It's the end of summer, it hasn't rained and I have a gnarly commute everyday. Stupid blue note. Stupid Lenny.

Still working on the other post for anyone that gives a crap. Work has been brutal.

Ted's No-So-Excellent Adventure

2009-10-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

I just read that the former CEO of Alcor, the cryogenetics company that froze Ted Williams' noggin, wrote a book in which he described the lab technicians abusing good ole Ted's frozen coconut including hitting it with a monkey wrench. I don't know what it says about me as a person, but the first thing I thought was, "What kinda cryogenic freezing labs have monkey wrenches lying around? And if it wasn't lying around, what reason did the lab tech give the maintenance guy for needing a wrench of that magnitude?"

I know that post sucked and I apologize for the lame title but I have a good one in the works. Found a passed out frat guy on in the middle of the sidewalk while walking my dog on Friday night. Good times. Will post tomorrow.

I like my Coffee like I like my Intel® Core™2 Quad

2009-09-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

For me, coffee is largely utilitarian. I see people gingerly sipping and enjoying flavored coffees and it makes me a little envious. I use it as a workplace tool, like the processor in my computer. I need it to work hard, I need it to work fast and I need it to work hot. Without it, i'm about as productive as a garden gnome.

For this reason, I normally select the most aggressive sounding coffee available (see Double Black Diamond) in hopes of getting more bang for my buck. Even though it's free in the office kitchen. This morning I finally met my match. This was well illustrated for my coworkers when I jerked back, contorted my face and yelled "KEK!" after taking a sip as I made my way back to my desk. Well done, Coffee People. You named your coffee Jet Fuel and succeeded nicely in recreating the flavor of a fluid that would quite believably power a jet engine.

What's Your End Game?

2009-09-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

I've been asking that a lot lately. People's actions really boil down to: "What are you hoping to gain by doing what you just did?" I think that's a fair question. Most things that people do are motivated by money or sex. Even things like succeeding in the workplace or an extra set at the gym are nothing more than an effort to get paid and get laid. That's human nature at it's rawest form and there's certainly nothing wrong with it.

There's a lot of buzz today on the interwebs about the incident last night between Kanye West and Taylor Swift. I haven't seen the footage*, but from the little clips I heard on the radio driving into work, it sounds like he grabbed the mic out of her hands at the VMAs while she was accepting an award and proclaimed that Beyonce should have won. I don't know if the words "fucking douchebag" are even enough to describe this egomaniacal midget. I'm by no means a Taylor Swift fan and firmly believe that listening to country music forces your eyes to grow closer together, but this was an act of colossal asswipeism, even for a legendary asswipe Like Kanye West. There is a lot of chatter about this today and 99% of it is bashing him for inexplicably ruining a little girl's moment in the spotlight, but the question remains;

"What's your end game?"

What could he possibly stand to gain from this? Money? No. This will surely hurt his concert / album sales. Sex? I don't think publicly humiliating a young country music starlet will get Beyonce Knowles to sleep with you, but if that really is the case, I'm storming the stage, arms-a-flailing at the next CMAs and giving Gretchen Wilson an atomic wedgie.

I guess someone like him really has no end game. It's just a sea of bloated selfishness and unbridled narcissism. Douchebag.

*added video later

South Park's Fishsticks

Spidey Tat

2009-09-04T14:41:00.000-07:00

I know this guy's Spiderman tats are making the rounds on the interwebs, but I don't want anyone to miss them. This is some next-level nerd ink that is as much awe inspiring as it is disturbing. But it's mostly awesome. While it made my spidey sense register off the chart, I still wonder what it would be like to have a conversation with him in the sauna.

Me: Wow, whatcha got there... spiderman suit?

Spidey Tat Guy: Yup

Me: Cool. It's like your skin ripped off and you're really spiderman.

Spidey Tat Guy: Yup, that's the idea.

Me: So... you aren't really Spiderman? Nah, i'm just kidding!

Spidey Tat Guy: Heh

Me: You do realize there's something fundamentally wrong though...

Spidey Tat Guy: Yeah, I know Spiderman's not real. He was just a hero of mine as a kid.

Me: No no, the idea of a high school kid getting bitten by a radioactive spider, taking on arachnid characteristics and becoming a crime fighter is totally believable, i'm talking about the suit being under your skin

Spidey Tat Guy: ...

Me: I mean, if you're Spiderman and you're hiding your Spiderman suit under a fake skin suit, that means your real skin is under two suits. If you were really Spiderman and you wanted to hide your identity, wouldn't you just take the Spiderman suit off to reveal your real skin instead of putting fake skin over the Spiderman suit? Seems like you'd get pretty hot.

Spidey Tat Guy: I don't... it's just a tattoo

Me: ...

Spidey Tat Guy: ...

Me: I would have went with the Hulk. He didn't have a suit so you're already down a layer.

Updated Facebook Update Rules:

2009-09-03T14:28:00.000-07:00

1. No spamming your website. Blog linking is fine in moderation, but I don't want to join your pyramid scheme, and yes, as much as you think it's a "Once in a lifetime opportunity!", it's a pyramid scheme, stupid.

2. No more than one Mafia Wars update a day. Seriously, get back to work.

3. No religious or political bullshit. At this age everyone has their opinions and you throwing yours in people's faces isn't going to change anything. Even if you were able to swing someone into your way of thinking because of some stupid facebook update, you're recruiting soft-headed morons which isn't helping your cause.

4. Any food-related update that required a plastic spoon to eat is grounds for deletion.

5. No celebration without explanation. When you update, "I finally got it, wahoo!!!", it may elicit 25 of your friends to inquire what you got, but it makes me hope it gets run over by a school bus.

6. No asking fact-based questions that can be found on Google. If you're on Facebook, you've found the internet. Use it.

7. Don't need the gym schedule. We get it, you're a gym member. Go pump yourself.

That's probably enough alienating for one day. If you have anything to add, please do. Once again, if you're guilty of any of the above, i'm not talking about you. I'm talking about everyone else.

Just One Pepsi

2009-08-28T11:34:00.000-07:00

I wonder what PepsiCo thought about Cyco Miko's reference to their product in 1983's Institutionalized. On one hand, you have a very popular and influential punk band screaming for their soft drink, on the other hand, in the the context in which he's requesting the beverage, he's under interrogation for being a drug addict. Does this mean everybody likes Pepsi, including junkies, or does it mean junkies in particular prefer Pepsi for whatever drug-induced reason? I think Pepsi made the right move by doing nothing.

5 Stages of Jonas

2009-08-07T11:06:00.000-07:00

So I watched the Jonas Brothers on Conan last night. I like Conan. You can probably guess my opinion on the Jonas Bros, but that's not really what this is about. They seemed like nice enough kids and they were polite. What really bothered me during the performance was the back-up band. I had a couple glasses of red wine in me and I was probably projecting my own feelings on the musicians, but this is how it went down.

Stage #1: Pity
Man, these guys are all older than the J Bros. and they seem like they're pretty polished musicians. I bet they were all in previous bands that actually rocked. I can't imagine spending my life refining my ear and learning my craft, only to be stuck behind these bobbleheaded nimrods. That bass player is full of talent, but his eyes are full of resentment.

Stage #2: Jealousy
I bet these dudes are on tour with the J Bros. I bet they get paid BANK to make them sound like a real band. What studio musician would turn down the opportunity to cash in on millions of gum-popping, screaming little girls chucking fist-fulls of daddy's money at them. *grits teeth* Lucky bastards.

Stage #3: Anger
Whatever. Sellouts. How can they look other professional musicians in the eye. They gave up. They didn't HAVE to play behind these boy-band nitwits, they could have made something of themselves. I bet that guitar player can sing too. Wonder what they play in the studio while waiting for the J Bros. limo to show up so they can bum everyone out by forcing them to play their crappy pre-teen pop garbage over and over. Why don't they just make their own band? What a waste.

Stage #4: Bargaining
OMG. Did I just watch an entire Jonas Brothers live performance? I mean, I was on the laptop too, it wasn't like I was fixated on the whole thing. This, this is just... material for the blog... life experience stuff.

Stage #5: Acceptance
*Kills TV, trips over dog, swears, goes to bed.*

World's Worst Mix Tape

2009-07-31T16:07:00.000-07:00

This is a facebook thread that i'm moving to here...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

While the winner of this contest did an excellent job picking horrible songs, I really think I could beat the shittiness of that mix tape.

A written list isn't as fun as watching your friend drag his ass through the streets of New York blasting 'Butterfly' by Crazytown, but it'll have to do.

I tried to avoid novelty songs like "I'm Too Sexy" or "Barbie Girl" because, although they were awful, I don't think they were ever intended to be legitimate music. I also tried to avoid bands that I have a personal beef with (although Creed made the cut, proving that you can be a super-annoying douchebag AND make horrible music).

For Your Consideration:

NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK
“Hangin’ Tough”
May seem like a lay-up, but come on, this song was #1 and should be punished.

GERARDO
“Rico Suave”
As close to novelty as I wanted to get, but the memory of the shirtless video was probably my first example of world-class douchyness.

DEEP BLUE SOMETHING
“Breakfast At Tiffany’s”
Dumb. Really dumb. The one thing you got was a movie that 4% of the people that are listening to your song ever saw.

CREED
“Arms Wide Open”
Guh. Let's move on.

RUPERT HOLMES
“Escape (The Pina Colada Song)”
I didn't refine my dislike for this song until I realized it had a moral to the story. I just thought it was a crappy song. I don't need a message written in dookie.

COLOR ME BADD
“I Wanna Sex You Up”
First exposure to a man with waxed eyebrows. It was confusing on top of being badd.

BILLY OCEAN
"Caribbean Queen"
*or "Get Out of my Dreams"
Both blow donkey balls. Although it could be argued that Billy was singing about hooking up with hot chicks and I was battling puberty and a crippling inability to talk to girls while these songs were popular. They smell like Clearasil and insecurity.

BILLY RAY CYRUS
“Achy Breaky Heart”
Mullet.

ACE OF BASE
"All That She Wants"
I'm sure this song is a message about teen pregnancy or something- i never bothered to listen. Dookie message policy applies.

CRASH TEST DUMMIES
“Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm”
Stupid song, stupid croaky voice, stupid stories, but mainly for making everyone say "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" the entire time it was on the radio. Name it something you asshats.

The Taco Bell Conversion Project

2009-07-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

Drive Through Guy: Did you want any hot or mild sauce with that?
Me: Yes, a shitload of fire sauce please.

Contents of bag expected:
3 Tacos
1 Bean Burrito
58 Fire Sauce Packets

Contents of bag received:
3 Tacos
1 Bean Burrito
3 Fire Sauce Packets

Conclusion:
"Shitload" means "3" in Spanish. Uno, Dos, Shitload, Cuatro...

Jagoff Customer Comment of the Day

2009-07-23T16:46:00.000-07:00

"Hey, if you do a good job on the logo and when i'm famous, YOUR logo will be all over the internet!"

Hope I don't sprain my ankle jumping for joy!! I'm a professional web designer that specializes in webstore logos, do you really think I don't have any on the fucking internet? That's like telling Converse, "Hey if you do a good job on those Chucks, people will see YOUR shoes when i walk around the flea market!" Not to mention this guy sells the same worthless crap you find at the dollar store. Really? When you're famous? You found a way to get famous selling random junk out of your garage on the internet? Look out Craigslist! Gus from Topeka is going to make you his bitch. And check out that logo!

Or maybe i'm just being pretentious. Nah, jagoff.

Cha Cha Cranking

2009-07-16T16:22:00.000-07:00

2 blogs in one day?? I figured since the last one was so angry i'd post a comedy chaser. For those unfamiliar with Cha Cha, it's a livehelp search engine. Basically a chat window with a person on the other end to help people who are too stupid to use google search for things on the interwebs. Of course, those very same interwebs found a way to exploit this service for amusement. Apparently, a forum was started and the members took turns trying to keep the agents in chat the longest while asking for ridiculous or non-existent things. The chat equivalent of a prank call. I posted one below, but more are here.

Status: Connected to guide: JustinS

JustinS: Hi there. I will be helping with your search.

You: WELP

JustinS: How can i help you

You: i'd like to know about some of the actors from friends before they got on the show

JustinS: sure, you want bio's?

You: um yeah or what shows they were on before

You: cuz inever heard of any of them before the show starte

JustinS: Ok sure just a sec

You: specifically iwant to know about the funny one and the pretty one (not the hot one)

JustinS: Heres a site that has all the actors

You: oh aand if i could find out wHAT THE UGLY LOOKING GUY WAS IN BEFORE THATD BE GREAT

JustinS: Just scroll down to find who your looking for

You: OK

You: WAIT

You: JUSTIN I NEED A NEW SEARCH

JustinS: Which is the ugly guy?

You: I FORGET HIS NAME IM BAD WITH NAMES

You: JUSTIN MY KEYBOAD JUST BROKE

You: THE CAPS LOCK WONT TURN OFF AND I CANT TYPE THE LETTER

JustinS: Thats ok lol. This site is great

JustinS: scroll down to see photos and bios

JustinS: of all the actors and actresses

You: JUSTIN FOCUS ON KEYBOARD PLEASE I CANT STAND IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS

You: NEW SEARC

You: I ATE IT WEN TIS APPENS

JustinS: Ok what do you want info on, the keyboard or Friends?

You: ARG STUPID KEY

You: KEYBOARD JUSTIN

You: HELP PLEASE

JustinS: Just a moment

You: O GOOD AT LEAST THE H KEY WORKS AGAIN

You: IF YOU CAN FIND SOMETHING THAT TELLS ME WHY THE H KEy randomly stops working thatd be great too

You: oh hey it turned of

Transfer: You are being transfered to another guide who can help you search even better!

Looking for guide ...

When in Doubt, Choke Em Out!

2009-07-16T10:53:00.000-07:00

Often times, when I rail on something, I pause before I post and wonder- hmm, hope none of my friends read this and get offended. In this case- if you're my friend and you have a sticker that reads "When in Doubt, Choke Em Out" on the bumper of your car / truck / shitkicker bucket, I hereby terminate our friendship.

Lets stop and think about this for a moment. "When in Doubt", implies the subject is confused and without direction. "Choke Em Out" is a reference to a sleeper hold or the act of cutting off the blood to the brain via the carotid or jugular artery (not sure which, i'm not a doctor... obviously because i would be saving someone's life right now instead of bitching about a bumper sticker). So by that rational, this person's intent is to alert the people driving behind them that when they find themselves in a quandary and require advice, they grasp the nearest person and attempt to nearly kill them.

This seems counter productive unless you are in a fight to the death. And even if you were in a death fight, at what point would you find yourself wondering what to do? It's a death fight. Kill or at least disable the other person. I highly doubt I would ever be locked into a mortal brawl and think to myself, "Wait a minute! What did the sticker on that Mitsubishi Montero say to do when i'm in doubt? Google the problem?? Ask the advice of a trusted friend?? I know it was a rhyme! ...CHOKE EM OUT!!"

That sticker pissed me off so much that if I were being assaulted and the Choke Em Out guy pulled up, jumped in and began doing his thing, I would take my assailant's side and kick him in the onions. They would probably team up and beat me without mercy, but it would be worth it.

Rubber Soul- i beg to differ.

2009-07-08T00:25:00.000-07:00

Nothing like sitting in at your desk, hearing the 5 o'clock horn, dragging your ass out to the parking lot knowing that you get to sit in 45min+ of mind-numbing traffic, only to find you have a flat tire. I hate you punctured rubber wheel. I really hate you. Aren't we supposed to have flying cars by now?

Responsible Adult or Broken Spirit?

2009-07-07T10:45:00.000-07:00

July 4th, 1999

Cop: So I guess you're going to want to pour that out?

Me: Pour what out, man? I'm not doing anything wrong. It's not like i'm driving, i'm just standing here watching fireworks. Why don't you find someone committing an actual crime instead of harassing taxpaying citizens. I'm sure whoever's getting robbed right now really appreciates you out here bothering me instead of doing your fucking job. I bet you got your ass kicked in high school and that's why you got a gig where you can carry a gun and bully unarmed civilians who are scared of you and your little blue costume. I pay your salary, dick. Give me your badge number, Officer [squint to read name tag], I'm going to see to it that you spend the rest of the year in a meter maid go-cart where you belong.

July 4th, 2009

Cop: So I guess you're going to want to pour that out?

Me: Indeed I do sir, and thank you for the opportunity to help the community become a safer place. *splash*

Top 3

2009-06-15T14:59:00.000-07:00

Top 3 most awesome things I saw in PB this weekend:

#3. An extended black Ford Super Duty with no less than a 5 foot lift, packed with douchenozzles wearing hats and white sunglasses. Not sure if they were locals, but the license plate started with A and ended with RIZONA. I didn't look for the plastic nuts hanging from the tow hitch, but we all know they were there. Awesome.

#2. A guy stall his custom chopper while trying to look cool in front of an open patio full of drunk hecklers. And to think, no one would have even noticed if the bike wasn't so loud. Tough-guy Fail.

#1. A homeless man crossing the street, double-fisting tall boys with a huge toothless grin and a stuffed penguin strapped to his head. Hobo Win.

Nothing's Shocking

2009-06-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

It has been a slow week. My buddy Joel doesn't read this blog, so I think i'll tell this story.

Every Friday I go to lunch with the boys from the office. There are some rotating members, but Joel, Kurtis and I are usually the nexus. We go to Islands and have the same crappy servers who feign interest in our boring conversations and attempt light humor in between fake smiles. It's a relationship everyone is comfortable with. That is, until last week when Joel brought it to the next level, much to everyone's horror.

Waitress: oooh, i like your wedding band, my brother has one like it.

Joel: This isn't a wedding band, it's on my right hand. This is the shocker finger!

I don't know what happened next because I closed my eyes, dropped my head and prayed she didn't know what he was talking about. The 16 Mississippis of uncomfortable silence told me she did and Joel confirmed it by yelling, "Ahhh- see, YOU know what i'm talking about!!". I briefly considered just sliding under the table and crawling out the door on my hands and knees. I finally looked up at her blank expression and began ordering as if nothing happened. She quickly swiveled to face me and was more than happy to talk about food. I could have asked her for her check card pin number and she would have most likely stared me in the face and recited it.

Way to go, Joel.

Texts From Last Night

2009-05-28T15:28:00.000-07:00

I don't usually whore out other people's websites, but this one is worth a gander. My favorite at the moment being:

(715): Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.

link

Random Shuffle Weekend

2009-05-22T15:01:00.000-07:00

94.9FM in San Diego is possibly the best radio station I have ever heard. When I first moved here, I remember thinking, "How are they able to play all this good music without rotating the same six songs that the sponsors pay for (*cough* KROQ *cough*)." The answer: Not owned by Clear Channel. They are privately owned and can play whatever they want. The result? Great f@#king music all the time. Anyway, they are giving the DJs the holiday weekend off starting this afternoon and to fill in for them, the employees surrendered their ipods. I would go nuts without my ipod, but a three day weekend would dull the pain. They posted pics here. Thought this was a cool idea by a cool radio station.

Sick Day (from the dog's pov)

2009-05-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

7:45am: After our bay walk, the girl kissed me on the head and dashed out the door as usual. I mentally prepared for a day of napping and casually shredding various low hanging items around the house, when I noticed the guy is still in bed. He's going to be late again. Tisk tisk.

8:35am: Still home. Normally, this time of day he would be scrambling around, trying to shave and get dressed at the same time, but he's not. He's just standing in his underwear, staring at a potted plant and sniffling. He looks like fried hell.

8:48am: Back in bed, but now the tv is on and he appears to be watching a show about a sponge with special pants.

9:32am: He's now opened and closed the refrigerator at least 47 times without removing a single item. I am starting to believe he's doing it to me on purpose. Underwear continues to be the preferred attire

10:45am: Finally some action. A giant truck with SDGE written on the side tried to attack our patio fence. Luckily I was there to scare them off, but my victory went grossly unrewarded as I was thrown back into the house with a string of obscenities. A true hero needs no gratitude.

11:37am: After popping some more pellets from a little bottle, he's now standing in the center of the livingroom, watching a show about an intolerant woman named Judy. I don't think he's aware that he's humming. The vestments have been upgraded to include a sock with a hole in it and a ski beanie.

12:02pm: The trips to the fridge have finally started paying off. I scored a piece of hotdog, an unidentified crunchy substance and a pickle stem. Maybe we can turn this thing around.

1:15pm: The battle for couch space has created a rift in our mid-day camaraderie. I suspect he thinks evening couch rules apply during the day as well. Silly man. I laid on my side and kicked him for a while, then sat on his head until he moved to the futon. Smell ya later, Pig Flu.

2:09pm: The guitar sounded good until he attempted to sing and sent himself into a gran mal coughing seizure, which of course triggered several violent salvos of machine-gun sneezes. I was front row, so i think we're about squared up for all the slobbering i've ever done on him.

3:19pm: The sponge is back on and now we're snacking on something he recovered from the back of the cupboard. It tastes a little like the tennis ball i found at the bay this morning.

3:46: I think... is that? ...*

*editor's note; unable to complete entry as the female resident returned and the subject apparently went completely insane

Man vs. Stomach

2009-05-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

I like oyster shots. I don't know of it's the bite of the hot sauce or the bonus vodka but they are good times and I get them when I can. Yesterday we rode to Coaster Saloon in Mission Beach and I saw that they were on special. We were right at the beach on a warm Sunday and I thought, "Yep, gettin one of those bad boys.". What arrived at our table was not the oyster shot I had grown to love. It was an oyster sitting at the bottom of a kamikaze glass filled with warm, watered-down, salty vodka. After inquiring as to why it wasn't a traditional oyster shot in a shot glass with spicy cocktail sauce and parmesan cheese sprinkled on top, the not-so-helpful waitress said, "It's vodka. They put extra in it for you." While this may have been the first time in my life that a little "extra" booze was not a good thing, I agreed to muscle it down as now both the waitress and my wife are staring at me. As the waitress walked away, I decided to show my wife that I was a man and wouldn't be bested by a glass of mushy barnacle meat in hot toilet water.

So I tried it.

It's been a while since i've puked, and even longer since i've puked sober. When that liquid hit my throat, I knew then and there, the streak was over and I was going to projectile vomit across a room full of unsuspecting people who were definitely going to freak out on me. I slammed my mouth shut, swallowed hard and prayed. The contents of my stomach made it halfway up my throat and I thought about running for the door. My eyes filled up with water and my stomach went into a wrenching heave, but I was able to clamp my throat shut and somehow kept everything down. At this point i'm doubled over with tears and snot running down my bright red face and can see my wife looking for an exit strategy. She's asking if i'm ok but I know she's deciding weather or not to flee the scene of the crime if I yack all over the booth which would be awesome because the only thing more embarrassing than vomiting in a bar is doing it while sitting by yourself. After about 30 seconds of fighting my furious stomach and promising God I would rethink atheism if he helped me out, it subsided and I took a breath. Barf record still in tact, I pushed the glass to the other side of the table. When I got the bill, the waitress leaned over and said, “I took the oyster shot off the bill since you didn't finish it.”. How thoughtful of her.

Elderly Man Assaulted by Area Web Designer

2009-04-27T15:42:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't know if I can top the reaction I got from the moth story, but I gotta keep at it so bear with me...

So I'm at the grocery store in Carlsbad. The lines are long and a new checkstand opens up in front of me. I am the first in line and I see the old guy jack a woman for the #2 spot. Dick move but whatever. As the Checker begins scanning my items, he notices that are not registering in the scanner. Immediately I hear the hemming and hawing from the coot behind me (who just moved up about 6 spots when the new lane opened). The Checker says, "Hmm, this is weird" and the old guy starts with the yelling. "Hey! What's going on?! That thing broken?? Are you doing it right?" The checker doesn't look up, just laughs nervously and continues to troubleshoot the problem. The old guy continues to badger the Checker and eventually demands a discount for being made to wait (about 30 seconds at this point). After a failed attempt at an organized protest for a discount by this old prick, (I love it when people try to involve me in their ridiculous 1940s soup line riot. This is not a union meeting and we're not flipping over displays or lighting anything on fire over this. Shut the fuck up.) the Checker opens a new checkstand and moves all my items.

The guy was really pissing me off, but I factored in that old people are on fixed incomes and he probably took the bus to get there. I've been dependent on public transit and it's no life of luxury. Every penny and second counts. For this reason, I did not turn around and tell him that if he shouted one more thing over my shoulder, I was going to bitch-slap an old man in front of several witnesses and I wasn't super-comfortable being "that guy". I like to keep my senior abuse private.

As I was getting into my truck, I watched him climb into a brand spakin' new Bentley Continental GTC. I probably would have made the news, but I really should have slapped him.

The Rebirth of Mothra

2009-04-20T14:40:00.001-07:00

Our front door is located in the eastern wing of our palatial estate. Unfortunately, that is also where the waste bin province for the surrounding residents is located. Price you pay to live on the bay. Because of this, the house fly count skyrockets when the spring comes around and the trash heats up to what I can only guess smells like pan seared filet mignon to a fly. We have tried to combat the problem with fly strips in the past, but the wife found something a little more proactive recently in the form of a AA battery powered fly swatter. It's basically a battery charged tennis racquet for zapping flies. I know this sounds like a glamorous activity, but I assure you, it is not. Diving over couches, swinging an electrified racquet around like a blindfolded kid going at a pinata is a great way to pull a hamstring. Whatever, it was funny, we took pictures and laughed.

Until later that evening....

About an hour after Jenny went to bed, the dog and I were camped on the couch, eating wheat thins and deeply engrossed in a particularly riveting episode of Street Patrol, when something flew into the room. We both noticed it at the same time because when it flew past the light, the room briefly went dark. At first I was convinced a condor had gotten out of the San Diego Zoo and made it's way into our living room. In a flash I was on my feet, bug racquet in hand and we were in "the shit" as they said in Vietnam. Oliver was providing ground fire while I set up for the big aerial strike. The target was misidentified as a bird- upon further inspection it was clear we were dealing with some kind of prehistoric moth. It was bouncing off the walls and the buzzing of it's wings filled the room. I activated the bug zapper and went in.

The first couple swings were a miss, but by the time the fight made it into the kitchen, I connected and sparks flew. The popping sound of the zapper was barely audible over the barking, but it was clear that the beast had taken damage. I expected it to fall lifelessly to the floor as so many flies had done earlier that evening, but this was proving to be quite a bit more challenging than we had expected. Defiantly, it darted around the kitchen ceiling, buzzing and smacking against the lights. Everyone involved was probably cursing that this point. Eventually, I was able to pin it into the corner next to the refrigerator and delivered another death strike. The zapper sparked and the moth buzzed, but did not fall. I immediately started dictating a letter to the people of the bug zapper manufacturer, calling for a larger battery model for cases such as this. 2 AAs just seemed to enrage him. The 3rd strike was critical. It was not fatal, but sent the moth spiraling into the sink. I had momentarily stolen the gift of flight, however it continued to buzz around and bounce off the sides of the sink. The idea of activating the garbage disposal was briefly considered, but It was concluded that grinding this thing up would be pretty gross and there needed to be an extraction. I quickly grabbed the kitchen tongs and secured it by it's hulking carapace. The beating of it's wings vibrated through the tongs as I made my way to the front door.

The moth appeared to regain the ability to fly as I hurled it into the night. Oliver and I crashed back into the couch with a collective sigh of relief. It was over. The beast was slain. Well, not slain but electrocuted multiple times with a AA powered badminton racquet then thrown over a fence. That's my version of what happened. This is likely the moth's...

So I see this light and i'm like, sweet. I head toward it and this fucking attack dog goes bat shit, barking like a goddamn mental patient. THEN, this not-so-bright looking shirtless dude wielding some kinda electrified squash ball racquet comes out of nowhere and starts swingin at me with it! He's yelling, the dog's barking, shit's getting knocked over and all i'm doing is trying to find the door so i can get the fuck out of there. As soon as i get my bearings this asswipe hits me with another 200 volts and the next thing i know i'm in the fucking sink and I cant take off! He's looking at me like I just stuck my dick in his mashed potatoes, grabs me with these giant metal clamps, carries me outside and chucks me into a fucking gate. All i wanted to do was check out a light and they go jihad on me. Worst night ever.

Carpeted Stairs... of Death!

2009-04-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

When I signed up for a Myspace account, I quickly realized the developers built in a handy feature that lets you rank which friends you like best via the "Top Eight". These are the select friends that show up on your homepage. This allows the user to bypass all the little social graces we have learned as adults and topspins you right back onto the elementary school dodgeball court, picking out the kids you think are the least likely to cry when drilled in the face with an under-inflated utility ball. Only this time, you have to pick the adults who WILL cry if not added to the Almighty Top Eight. While I appreciated the social networking aspect of MySpace, I did not enjoy the friend ranking system. So I filled my top friends with bands that I figured I would probably never meet, thereby sidestepping the uncomfortable conversation with Mike Ness, explaining that I didn't put the bands in any order and that Social D is just as important as Bad Religion.

In doing so, I opened myself up to a cavalcade of "musicians" that go through these band's friend lists and add everyone in an attempt to get people to listen to their crappy music. "Like Pennywise??, You'll love us! We're the next up and coming grindcore band from the infamous seedy underbelly of Big Timber, Montana!".

These requests are normally chuckled at and deleted, but on occasion, I am so baffled at the photo they chose as their profile picture, I have to go to their page and figure out if it's a joke. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it is not. While I can understand that living on a farm in Iowa will probably gimp a high school kid's sense of what's rebellious or punk, I am consistently amazed at what they attempt to pass off as such.

I wish I wouldn't have deleted them in the past as I would have quite the collection to post here, but the gem I got today is worth it. I wont list this kid's MySpace page in case he's really as angry as he'd like you to think he is. Enjoy.

In a world where pixels aren't the only things that get... DEAD.

2009-04-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

So there I was, staring at the back of the bank robber's legs. I quickly assessed the situation. In an instant I had a plan and without hesitation, I gyroed my legs around and landed on my feet. Before the robber had I chance to react, I delivered a powerful spin kick, connecting with his left temple and knocking him out cold. As his lifeless body dropped to the earth like a sack of potatoes, I scooped the hysterical pregnant woman from his arms and set her safely aside. This attracted the attention of the second robber who had been preoccupied with the teller. As he spun to face me, the sawed off shotgun he was holding wheeled around as well. Before he could squeeze a shot off, I managed to snatch a paper weight off the account manager's desk and hurled it, meeting him square between the eyes. His eyes rolled back and he dropped the shotgun, but did not go down. As I lept over the chairs in the waiting area like a hungry jungle cat, I could see he was regaining his composure. I imagine his vision came back into focus just in time to see the whites of my eyes as I sent us sailing over the bank counter. The robber grunted as we slammed into the floor of the teller's station. Before he could lift his arms to defend himself, I delivered 4 devastating elbows that left him motionless. The tellers gasped at the crack of his nose on the 3rd blow as stray twenty dollar bills floated to the floor. I made sure everyone was alright before attempting to call the police. When I flipped my phone open, I could see the screen had been shattered in the mayhem.

Long-story-short, I cracked the screen on my phone and cannot send or receive texts until i get it fixed. That part is true.

update 4/9: fixed.

badvertising

2009-03-27T11:13:00.000-07:00

Huh... guess I was having a bad day yesterday... well, let's see if we can move forward.

I saw this in a magazine the other day and my outrage was all too quickly dismissed by the wife. I might be hyper-aware of things like this as I work in advertising, but shouldn't a teeth whitening ad show, i dunno, teeth?

Omg... am i becoming Andy Rooney?

Punch in the Facebook

2009-03-26T15:47:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Ok, I have to vent and this is where I do it. It's about facebook and I have no idea if any of my facebook "friends" read this, so if it applies to you, i'm not talking about you. I'm talking about everyone else who is doing what you may or may not be doing.

Who the fuck cares that you are "just chillin" or "hangin with [insert trendy and overtly pretentious kid's name]!". STOP WITH THE FUCKING INANE UPDATES. Everytime I read that you "Just had a yogurt cup! yum! LOL" I want to punch you in the neck. Seriously, the time it took you to write that and the time it took me to read it would be better spent whipping you with a car antenna for wasting it. Not only does no one give a fuck about you taking a nap or how much you wish it was Friday, but nothing is actually communicated. EVERYONE WISHES IT WAS FRIDAY, RETARD!

I am guilty of posting silly little phrases or obscure song lyrics, but at least there's the remote possibility of a synapse firing in someone's brain. Hearing about your nap not only makes me pissed that I am not napping, but it's a small window into what would appear to be a life of napping and yogurt which makes you either a convalescent or a word i hesitantly used earlier.

The next time you are sitting at your computer and you get the urge to post an update about some mundane task or lukewarm emotion, do me a favor; find a stapler and drive staples into your skull until you forget your password.

Again, this doesn't apply to anyone I know.

Lucasart

2009-03-20T15:11:00.001-07:00

This may be old news to some, but I just saw it and i nearly passed out from over-awesomeness. A brief google search said it was for some Japanese Star Wars convention last year. If only they froze him in carbonite before JarJargate.

Wing Fail

2009-03-12T13:49:00.000-07:00

The Australian Pub in Pacific Beach is famous for their hot wings. On Wednesdays, they are half price and the local carnivores descend like seagulls. It's cleverly named Wing Wednesday. We had to coordinate work schedules, triangulate parking strategies and stake out tables just to get a seat. The wings were practically drumsticks slathered in spicy sauces that were impossible to eat without getting it all over your face. They were the kind of wings that will rearrange the day's eating schedule so that you're sure you'll have enough room to eat until you get sick.

A few months ago we noticed they were getting smaller, arriving colder and weren't as good. We gave them the benefit of the doubt and chalked it up to a bad night in the kitchen. The next 4 attempts were progressively disappointing and eventually we stopped going altogether. Theories of mismanagement and ownership transfer were carelessly thrown around, but ultimately, the wings just sucked. It had been a month or so since we had gone, and last night we decided the cold war was over and we were going to give our previously beloved wings another day in court.

When they arrived at our table, I half expected Ashton Kutcher to pop out of the napkin holder and tell me we were punked. They looked like discarded bones from a previous Wednesday that were dipped in sauce, nuked for 8 seconds and re-served. I don't know what kind of anorexic chicken could produce these things, but i'm inclined to contact PETA and request an investigation. The only way anything could get that famished is by eating these wings. The wicked circle of malnutrition.

So the Aussie Pub is officially fired. Regrettably, we are accepting applications for a new wing place. Until then, Taco Tuesday is in charge.

Angry Joe

2009-02-24T11:27:00.000-08:00

I tend to choose my morning coffee by how intimidating it sounds. Today i'm drinking Double Black Diamond which is interesting because i've unintentionally gone down an actual Double Black Diamond as a beginner snowboarder and it was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. Picture screaming down the face of a frozen cliff peppered with rocks and trees without the skills to turn or stop. It ended badly for me and one particularly indignant skiier. Man, that guy had no sense of humor about it.

That being said, if there was a coffee called Banana Extract Dipped Naked Chimpanzee Fight, I would drink it. For some reason I feel my stomach is the reason i'm tired and it must be punished. It usually gets it's revenge by vurping up some nasty-ass coffee/bile cocktail around noon when i'm eating my lunch too fast. I wish we could just get along.

Appcrash Fever

2009-02-03T14:40:00.000-08:00

Its funny how such an innocent looking little window can summon the most apocalyptic anger and ultimately leaves a well-adjusted, grown man defeated in a heap of tears and snot-bubbles.

As the dust settled and my vision came back into focus, I realized there is some room for profit on this little window. If I could get Microsoft to rent out some ad space...

Zoinks indeed...

2009-01-22T14:35:00.000-08:00

This occurred to me while researching Scooby Doo images for a project:

Do you think Shaggy painted the Mystery Machine himself? I mean, it's a custom job and a decent one at that. If he had the skills and training to pull that off, he would be doing it for a living, which he didn't. It was probably a job he had commissioned, which would be costly for a guy with no job and no discernable income. Driving a pimped out van and buying enough weed to rip tubes until eating dog food sounded like a good idea means he was independently wealthy. There was never any indication that he developed software or produced hit records, so one would have to conclude that he was a blue blood mooch who chose to dress like a dirtbag which is even worse than being dirtbag. At least Fred wore a scarf. I appreciate that kind of honesty.

Sexual Harassment Day

2009-01-14T18:16:00.000-08:00

I just sat through a 2 hour sexual harassment course. I drove in on a sick day especially for it which was awesome because I managed to cough the whole way though which my coworkers surely enjoyed. Our HR rep is also a contractor, so unlike a normal HR director that works full time who would tend to move it along, she felt the need to recount elaborate examples for each of the five thousand, full-color printed slides in an effort to justify her billed time. That meant the company essentially shut down for two hours so this lady could explain that we shouldn't spend the workday chasing each other around the office like horny capuchin monkeys. I could have summed her entire presentation up in eleven words:

KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS WHILE YOU ARE AT WORK.

I say "dick" because, lets face it, you really think that meeting is for women? Yes, I know there have been a handful of cases where some pussy filed a claim against his female boss for calling him "honey", but we all know that meeting is for the other 99% of cases involving a wildly inappropriate middle-aged dude and a receptionist with big cans.

I know the real reason for this "training" is so that my employer can cover his ass when the sales manager yells "Merry Xmas Bitches" and springs out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles and mistletoe tied to his crank at the Christmas party, but I think there should be an option for normal guys who aren't planning on sending out stupid emails or cracking bad racial jokes to sign a letter and go back to work. Or at least selling the appearance of working and writing vitriolic blog posts.

Who the hell is Tyler Perry?

2009-01-02T12:10:00.001-08:00

I suppose I could wiki him and find out what the he's done, but this will go smoother and hopefully illustrate my point if I don't. As far as I can tell, he's a dude dressed in drag on a show on the WB... or CW or whatever. How does that mean he gets his name tacked onto every show on the channel? It probably goes without saying that being a semi-nerdy white guy over 30, i'm not in his demographic. The only bits of his shows i've seen are the commercials with people yelling things like "No he didn't!" and "Don't go there!" which I imagine must be funny to someone since the show's still on tv.

All i'm saying is that his publicist is doing great job because I can't get through a Seinfeld rerun without being bashed over the head with this guy's name a thousand times.

AFC WD Champs 2008

2008-12-29T11:15:00.000-08:00

8+ hours at Miller's Field in PB to secure a prime spot to watch the game makes for a bad Monday. Hooray for yesterday. Boo for today.

What's annoying me today:

2008-12-22T14:11:00.000-08:00

That should be the title of this blog, but let me get to the venting: People that use the word "Guru". "My SEO Guru says, blah blah blah..." What exactly makes someone a "guru" of anything? Am I a Top Ramen Preparation Guru? Are US auto makers Horrible Idea Gurus? (like that? Topical and timely. Look out Daily Show). How good at something do you have to be to be a "guru"? If Mike Myers is any indicator, he's the guru of making unfunny movies. I think the term is used to humble the user and make the target appear vastly superior, thereby inferring that because the user doesn't understand the topic, the rest of us mouth breathers should hang on their every word.

"My SEO Guru..."

Ugh.

Shut up.

Idiot.

On a lighter note, next month marks 4 years of narcissistic word vomiting here on Blogger (this post being a prime example). To mark the occasion, I added some AdSense code. It wont hurt anyone and I can save money for the worm store. Click on the ads. Do it. Click on them. *click click*

Att: Sam who likes guys who sell bikes

2008-12-18T14:24:00.000-08:00

This is in response to an email from Sam L. (ztzopd@aol.com) who contacted me after I posted an ad looking for my bike in the bicycles section on craigslist. This is his/her email:

From your post you seem very interesting so i thought i'd break the ice.I'm 21 years old and single again. I recently got out of a long term relationship and I have totally forgotten how to date. I'm not looking for anything serious right off the bat but I would like to go on casual dates again and get to know people, if it turns into something more then no problems. I'm somewhat shy, a bit eccentric and I can be very blunt. I wear t-shirts, play video games, have a WOW account,watch anime, and I love pizza and sushi. Hey if you want to meet up tonight and chat check out my photos and profile on http://lustchat.does.it my screenname is sam21bunny let me know what time you would like me to get o so we can chat..later tonight

Sam L.

********** My response **********

To Sam L.,

Thanks for contacting me regarding your relationship status and your desire to date people selling bikes on Craigslist. Since you never mentioned your gender and your name is unisex, I have to assume you are a heterosexual woman or a gay man. Actually, I never mentioned MY gender in the description of my bike, meaning you might think i'm a woman which would make you a heterosexual man or a gay woman. So- now that we've nailed you down to 4 different gender / lifestyle combos, lets get to the dating. Wait a minute... what if you're a transsexual? Ok- we've whittled away the mystery and concluded that you're one of at least 6 possibilities. I'm not judging, clearly you're interested in me, so who am I to turn down a compliment. Let's move on with the rest of your letter...

Ah- you wear t-shirts. Interesting. I've often wondered what it would be like to date someone that wears t-shirts. I see couples wearing t-shirts all the time and think to myself, "Yeah, that looks right." I could be like those people that start dating someone who is a little punk rock and they start with the leather bracelet and before you know it they're wearing black fingernail polish, sporting a fauxhawk and bitching about Alkaline Trio. Maybe I could start wearing t-shirts too. I hope my friends don't call me out on the lifestyle change.

A WoW account?? What are the odds of two Warcrafters using a free online ecommerce website to meet people?? This is fate, Sam. I Know it. We are destined to wear t-shirts and eat pizza together. T-shirts, pizza and World of Warcraft. Thats an uncanny combination of things that we have in common. Here on craigslist.

I'm glad you included your profile at lustchat.com. Most people would be suspicious that this was an intentionally vague copy & paste that some douchebag spammer was sending to people selling stuff on Craigslist, but i'm not. You said you're shy and a shy person wouldn't do that.

Contact me at my lustchat screen name, fuckoffspammer21. Oh there's the doorbell. I need to pause my game and throw on a t-shirt. The pizza's here.

To the Guy That Stole My Beach Cruiser.

2008-12-15T16:20:00.001-08:00

I say "guy" because of the two bikes, the boy's one was stolen and the girl's was not. This was the only good decision you made last night because the owner of the girl's bike would have tracked you down and turned you into the gender the bike was originally designed for.

I prefer to wait until I see you riding it around PB to do what i'm going to do. Make no mistake- i will find my bike. It is in your best interest to pray for two things at this point,

1. I find it locked outside a bar with no one on it
2. the police get involved.

See ya soon, douchnozzle.

Stuffed Cheese Rolled Bacon Basket

2008-12-12T15:37:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I posted a vulgar display of gluttony. Thanks to Adam, that trend is over. I'd like to note that when i landed on the page, the ad banner in the right was for World of Warcraft. This was no accident... the apocalypse is truly upon us. link

The Dumb Guy Theory

2008-12-11T11:33:00.000-08:00

Ever notice that almost all successful sitcoms have a stupid guy? Woody from Cheers, Joey from Friends, Luther from Coach, Lowell from Wings (i said successful, not good). Seinfeld is really the only exception that comes to mind and Kramer was no rocket scientist. I wonder what that says about society's overall comfort with having a dumb person in their life.

These characters are always arguably the most likable in the cast, but they're never the central role. Joey's creatively titled spin-off "Joey" is a good example of that dynamic not working. So that means people like having a dumb friend, but they don't like identifying with a dumb person. That makes sense- no one wants to be the dumb guy.

My biggest problem with this is that I know dumb people and the last two characteristics I would ever give them are likable and funny. They're usually annoying, judgmental and over-opinionated. So where are all these dim-witted-but-big-hearted people? I guess if we learned anything from sitcoms, it's that if your neighbors are nosey and 1/5th of your friends are no smarter than tube of yogurt, your life is probably marginally funny for about 30 minutes a week.

crash

2008-12-09T09:42:00.001-08:00

Just before noon yesterday, an F/A-18D Hornet crashed into a residential neighborhood in San Diego, killing at least three people. The jet was coming back from a carrier in the Pacific and suffered an engine failure on it's way to Marine Corps Air Station Miramar. From what i've gathered, after the first engine failed, the pilot attempted to crash it into an unpopulated ravine when the second engine failed and the jet dropped from the sky like a rock. Kids from a nearby playground were so close, they heard the pops of the canopy being blown off as the pilot ejected (you'll no doubt remember that's what killed Goose). He was found hanging by his parachute from a tree in a canyon.

Guess something like that puts things in perspective. Makes worrying about things like money or your job seem small when you consider the fact that you could have your lunch interrupted by a fucking fighter jet hurling itself through your kitchen.

note- i changed the title b/c this accident was actually pretty tragic.

Chopped Liver

2008-11-20T11:31:00.000-08:00

My boss moved a new customer from his work queue to mine this morning. As with all new customers, I called them to introduce myself and have a brief scope meeting. This is how it began:

me: Good morning this is Jerry with [comp name]. Do you have a few minutes to talk about your website?

cust: Um, i think i'm supposed to meet with Justin

me: Oh, i'll be your designer on this project

cust: who is this?

me: Jerry.

cust: What happened to Justin?

me: nn... nothing, the project just got moved... to me

(uncomfortably long pause)

cust: ... I was told Justin is the best

me: uh... I don't... who?... I'm... good....

(another long pause)

cust: ... *sigh* fine, lets get started.

Nothing like a kick in the acorns to start the day.

A Letter to the Lady that Works at the Del Mar Von's Deli

2008-11-07T11:02:00.000-08:00

You may have noticed I haven't been around in a while. Well, my company moved and I can no longer walk there on my lunch. On the last day at our old location, I came to your deli counter as usual and I really wanted to tell you goodbye, but I couldn't find the words. As you yelled at your friends over my head and slapped together a sandwich that I didn't order, you never broke the steady glare of contempt that you have for me and I took that for granted. It was a special kind of hate, and I don't think I appreciated you for it. Your customer service standards dropped the bar so low, I just hoped that spit was the only unwanted fluid added to my food. I always ate (at least part of ) whatever you made for me. Mostly out of sheer hunger, but also for fear of you leaping over the deli counter like a whirlwind of fingernails and assaulting me should i dare mention that you achieved your goal of completely screwing up my order on every level possible. Not since my mother hit me with a frying pan have I been more afraid of a woman that handles my food. I'm sure I will experience deli employees in the future that can really fuck up an order and make it my fault, but you will always be the best. I commend you, Mean Vons Deli Counter Lady. Lunch will never taste the same without your special kind of apathy, resentment and bitterness that made my lunch breaks terrifying.

CC's FF Spot

2008-10-27T16:00:00.000-07:00

This commercial featuring Chris Chambers ran during the Charger's embarrassing loss on Sunday. Ironic and probably fake, somehow it still makes me smile.

Soccer Ball (In The Face)

2008-10-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

Stumbled across a really funny video from Parry Gripp (of Nerf Herder). It got me outed in the office for not working because i snorted and couldn't recover. You'll need sound.

Meat Trucks

2008-10-10T13:24:00.000-07:00

What's the deal with guys selling steak out of their trucks? I don't mean carne asada tacos out of a lunch truck- i mean a dude in greasy jeans popping out of his pick-up at a gas station and yelling, "Heeeey buddy, you look like a carnivore...".

In the time it took me to fill my tank at lunch today, 2 of these weirdos approached me. The first one was eating gas station nachos when he asked, (with a mouthful of gas station nachos), "Hey man- you eat steak?" Not knowing he was a traveling steak salesman, I looked at the nachos and assumed he was asking if i had any steak for him to garnish his lunch. I patted my pockets and replied, "No, sorry man."

2 things about my response immediately bothered me. #1, why am i sorry? He can get steak nachos at Taco Bell, and #2 why did I pat my pockets? Even if I did fill my pockets with steak, would i really not remember that I did?

Nacho man then went into his sales pitch. I was trying to dodge all his questions about my meat consumption because i was stuck pumping gas and i couldn't figure out this guy's angle. Eating soggy chips floating in processed "cheese" and trying to sell filet mignon out of a dirty pick up. That's like a guy trying to sell you a fire extinguisher while he's engulfed in flames. Eventually I told him that I was a vegetarian which is a fat lie but the alternative would be deflecting more meat advances from Cleetis.

Right about the time i finished pumping, I saw another dirty pick-up with a similar cooler in the bed. I scrambled to get into my car but it was too late. I was told I looked like a carnivore, which for unknown reasons was a little insulting. I yelled "Meat is murder!" through the cracked window and sped off.

The fact that there were 2 of them in such close proximity suggests that driving around and accosting people at gas stations with boxes of "steaks" is a lucrative enough business venture to warrant city-wide saturation, which would only indicate that people are actually buying from these guys.

There's just something unsettling about guys who look like meth addicts trying to sell me their meat.

Front Yard Vigilante

2008-10-03T12:42:00.000-07:00

The 2 blocks in between us and the bay are lined with mostly condos and a handful of little homes with small yards. One of the homes that we must pass when walking the dog recently landscaped their tiny lawn. This is made very clear by the caution tape that the homeowner has wrapped around the yard and sidewalk. To avoid any confusion about whether or not he wants passing dogs to defecate on his new lawn, he is kind enough to sit on the porch and yell, "Hey- don't let your dog shit on my lawn, okay!!". This announcement must be made upon any visual confirmation that the dog in question is within 2 meters of the little patch of grass. We started crossing the street to avoid the public shaming, but I guess someone didn't appreciate being accused of training their dog to systematically shit on every yard they pass and took justice into their own hands. I can't say that I condone vandalism, but... well I guess I condone vandalism.

Leaked Trailer

2008-09-29T15:51:00.000-07:00

My buddy's friend is a junior editor at Dreamworks and he managed to get this out of the editing bay- it's a raw trailer for Transformers 2. Pretty amazing. I'm sure when this thing goes viral, someone's getting shit-canned. link

Today in Moronic Narcissism

2008-09-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

This ever happen to anyone else? You're listening to a local radio station and the DJ takes a call from someone with the same first name as you. Right before the person starts talking, for a split second you think, “I wonder if it's me?”, even though you're not holding a phone and you've never called a radio station in your life.

No? Just me? Perhaps i've said too much.

Acapella Rage

2008-09-05T14:38:00.000-07:00

I'm not really much of a political guy, but this was pretty moving. Rage Against the Machine showed up unannounced to an anti-RNC (Republican National Committee) event on Minnesota State Capitol lawn earlier this week, took the stage and gave the crowd a free show. From what I can gather, the cops yanked the power for fear of a riot halfway into their set. This was their reaction: